help & faq

What is Cthulist?

Cthulist is an online platform where users from many (but not all, yet) dimensions can buy, sell, trade and exchange goods, services, words or chants.

Why would I use Cthulist?

Because you have or need an artifact, service or chant that cannot be supplied by conventional businesses or retailers. You need something more esoteric, something less understood and less scientific. You need knowledge of the elders, of the primordials, of the celestials, of the angels and of the blinding billions of collective universes that will soon consume all.

What is wrong with you people?

Nothing is wrong. Move along. You are not worthy, and your reality has been J̦̠̹̗͇̀Ų̝̘̜̳ͅD͙G͖̫͉̗̥̗̪Ḙ͎͚̤̠D̺̬͇̟̖.

Sorry. Is my dimension eligible to submit posts?

Check the submission area, it might be. But probably not. We’re still working on the rollout for that, and given that not all dimensions have high priority compared to preferable and more economical realities, we cannot say when any given dimension will for sure have unlimited access. Feel free to offset our expenses if you’d like a faster rollout in your reality. It’s not bribery or lobbying at all.

My dimension isn’t eligible, but I’m sure my reality is preferable.

If you think that, have you seen R8882? Have you seen your dimension? Literally dirt in comparison to that one. Your dimension sucks, man.

I have esoteric goods or services to offer, though?

Yeah, and my grandmother has something equally as esoteric in her bellybutton. You can, however, submit a classified via our dimensional relay on the sidebar titled ‘post to classifieds’, it may or may not eventually make it to the site.

How safe is Cthulist?

We are dealing with literally magic, so take a guess. If you know what you’re doing, it’s perfectly safe as long as you don’t read all of the words in an unknown chant. If you’re unsure, please see the nonexistent “how to stay safe” page.

Why does Cthulist give me headaches?

We don’t run on electricity, but instead on a vague and poorly understood ether that can have certain side effects such as and not limited to nausea, headaches, minor bleeding, major bleeding, death, double death, seething and unknowable rage, spontaneous cancer, spontaneous hair growth, and of course, excessive dandruff. Most of these things will never happen to an average user. Usually.

I’m blind, but I can still see this site?

That’s why it’s called a site.

Is this site actually affiliated with Cthulhu himself? (He rises, all is doomed)

No, we’re operating under a very flimsy trademark and if he ever comes to claim it we’ll probably be shut down.

Why does my reflection look at me from behind the mirror with bloodthirsty eyes after I confirm a purchase?

That’s a shade generated by the aforementioned ether. They’re completely harmless in almost every reality. Maybe not yours though.

Why did the man who delivered my purchase have tentacles and hollow eyes?

Beats me, why did you buy from him? Verify your seller’s or buyer’s integrity. Cthulist takes no responsibility for maiming, murders or space-time rippage.

Does my mother know I browse this site?

She’s on speed-dial. We call her every time you visit.

I’ve been murdered by a seller/buyer. What can I do?

If you agreed to our CLASSIFIED SPECIAL OFFER, you are entitled to one (1) free resurrection. Otherwise, you’ll have to bargain with Death, and that’s not something we recommend.