The way people dress has only gotten worse and worse over time. An undercover investigation by leading Earth-4536 news site The Onion, involving a reporter wearing orange galoshes after Labor Day (a classic faux pas, easy way to catch out the nouveau riche), found that even in capital cities they were not arrested by the fashion police.

Government cuts and loosening ethics on what is acceptable to wear has led the fashion police to become a limp, useless branch of our emergency services. As a result, I feel I must take things into my own hands, and work as a freelance fashion mercenary.

If you hire me, I will:

  • Make demeaning and condescending comments on others fashion choices (“Ew, those crocs with that tunic? Talk about colour clash!”)
  • Carry my own wardrobe on my back in order to quickly fix the mistakes of you or your house guests
  • Fire warning shots in the vicinity of your neighbour on sight until he stops wearing cargo pants and gets some real trousers

Accepting most forms of transdimensional currency. I can’t stand the aesthetics of my computer or mobile phone (the tesseract plugged into my Raspberry Pi is making my stomach churn as I type) so will only be reachable at the next Alpha Centauri Runway Show.