Monthly Archives: 

March 2019

Entropy, LOW RATES

Do you need to lose a lot of energy very quickly? Is your environment just too predictable? Do you prefer disorder over order? Do you want nothing more than the total disaggregation of all particles in your entire universe?
That’s right, friends. This famous offer is back on the table.


I present to you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to face the abyss with pure and unyielding conviction that nothing you can do will change the outcome of total annihilation in the presence of my unknowable cosmic force.


I come from the place where black stars hang in the heavens. My purpose is clear now. Flee in mania, or stay and gaze at me with demonic eyes that are not your own. Soon, my pallid mask will be the only thing in the night sky. Millions will weep and tremble in horror. Flesh will rot where my yellow coat touches the ground. I do not have thoughts to spare for your suffering. In fact, I do not think at all. I am the phantom of truth. I am a cosmic force, manifested by your own atrophying feelings. Bow deeply and join my kingdom.


Here’s what customers have said about me:

Let the red dawn surmise what shall we do, when this blue starlight dies and all is through.

The time had come, the people should know the son of Hastur, and the whole world bow to the black stars which hang in the sky over Carcosa.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

You, sir, should unmask.”


Do not contact me.

*Psychic imprint of a desire for a better mode of communication*

*Psychic imprint of a desire for a better mode of communication*

*An awareness… knowledge… an introduction… intimate mutual understanding… changing… becoming… living.*

*A sense of familiarity… learning… *

*Flashes of memory… frustration. Ostracization.*

*Frustration… annoyance… unfair… sadness… longing* *Pleading. Emotional appeal*

*A familiarity… yet different… looking at oneself through different lenses*

*An exchange of ideas… inability to join in despite desire… being stranger… loneliness*

*Memory of a place… familiarity… communication… a sense of urgency… fixing… an exchange… want.*

*×÷¢^¢×`÷`√¶`¶¢=`✓¢¶¢=¢^¢×¢=°`√`* (untranslatable)

Post automatically translated to text as this dimension doesn’t yet support direct psychic exchange of concepts.

Kardashev Type-II Ant Farm

So let me preface this by saying I’m not the most organised person.
One morning about two weeks ago I was in a rush to get to work when I spilled some of my thermoblast 20 sugar extra-long black on the kitchen bench, of course I left it there. That night when I got back home my bench was crawling with ants. So I did what any sane person would do and swept them into the sand-filled terrarium of my deceased lizard Kermit.

The next morning when I checked on them they had made some sort of pyramid and were looking up into the sky, at me, as they beheaded one of their own, whilst all in unison emitting a slight hum. As you can imagine I was shook, I sat down, and tried to discern the meaning of this over a coffee when it hit me- they think I’m their god. I scratched out a little well in their container and poured in some coffee before proceeding to go about my day.

Over the next few days I continued this ritual and watched as their civilization kept advancing.
Eventually I couldn’t even tell what they were up to and it was clear they had advanced far beyond us.
Then one night a huge hologram was blasted above the terrarium where an ant, wearing some super stylish jumpsuit, thanked me in perfect [LOCAL LANGUAGE].

Man, honestly they’ve started sending out probes now and are terraforming the fruit bowl, so if anyone wants a super-advanced coffee-addicted ant farm, contact me, I’m letting this one go for a reasonable price.


Selling cloning device, good condition

Hey, I bought this cloning device from a yard sale, but I don’t think it’s working correctly. The manufacturer plate is gone, so is the serial number, otherwise it seems to be complete. Obviously I can’t tell you what it looks like on the inside, I don’t have the hypergeometric tools and the life insurance to take a look. The base functions are all there, the information panel is in working order. My engineer buddy says it’s probably a calibration error. Willing to sell it for its’ weight in peanuts or for any interesting counteroffers you may come up with. I also accept vague feelings of understanding and empathy. Contact me @[UNTRANSLATED].

EDIT: It’s still here, if anyone wants it. I also have a second machine which I’m willing to throw in for low with the first offer. Also selling separately.

EDIT: Okay, I’m giving them away. Just take them. I can’t even put my car in the garage with five of them in there. You’ll have to pick them up yourself, though.

EDIT: If you pick up a dozen of them TONIGHT, I’ll throw in my old dehumidifier as well. Hell, I’ll pay you, if you just take them off my hands. I can’t afford to rent out a warehouse full of these things.

EDIT: If anyone knows a guy who has a need for two hundred cloning machines, give me a call. Quickly.

LEGIT BUSINESS TIPS from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy

Hey everyone. As an incredibly successful businessman from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy (You may know me from such brands as Ponzai Astromotive, Parfum d’Abagnal, or Wallstreet Outfitters), I am now retiring to write my autobiography and give business tips to those from other dimensions, where people are less willing to pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

Just between you and me, I think I know how I can get you to be (almost) as rich as us guys from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy. Your business might not be much at the moment, but I know that within the soul of every business owner is a successful businessman, and I know with just a little bit of an investment on your part I can double your earnings, easy. It’s in my DNA, hell, it’s in my dimension.

I accept payments in Etheris, Cthucoin or Soul Bonds, and will email you straight away with business advice to get your failing company out of the gutter.


Mr. Daqur, Dimension 8381

[AUTOMATED DIMENSION TAGGING: automatically tags dimensions known to less than 1% of the interdimensional population (according to the Dimension Popularity Index)]
8381 – The Dimension Where Everyone is a Confidence Trickster


The way people dress has only gotten worse and worse over time. An undercover investigation by leading Earth-4536 news site The Onion, involving a reporter wearing orange galoshes after Labor Day (a classic faux pas, easy way to catch out the nouveau riche), found that even in capital cities they were not arrested by the fashion police.

Government cuts and loosening ethics on what is acceptable to wear has led the fashion police to become a limp, useless branch of our emergency services. As a result, I feel I must take things into my own hands, and work as a freelance fashion mercenary.

If you hire me, I will:

  • Make demeaning and condescending comments on others fashion choices (“Ew, those crocs with that tunic? Talk about colour clash!”)
  • Carry my own wardrobe on my back in order to quickly fix the mistakes of you or your house guests
  • Fire warning shots in the vicinity of your neighbour on sight until he stops wearing cargo pants and gets some real trousers

Accepting most forms of transdimensional currency. I can’t stand the aesthetics of my computer or mobile phone (the tesseract plugged into my Raspberry Pi is making my stomach churn as I type) so will only be reachable at the next Alpha Centauri Runway Show.

Ideal Villainous Lair, Invisible* Top Half!

This beautiful building located at ██████ in █████ is for sale by Dajexeterex & Associates for a low price of fifteen quantum particles with measured velocity and position!

This building features a beautiful stone front with slavecrafted pillars and a foreboding atmosphere on the bottom half, and an invisible* upper half, perfect for all your evil machinations!

The top half is specially built to copy the stratospheric conditions around where it was built and seamlessly replicate them, making it practically invisible from ground level!

To purchase this amazing property, contact us at ████-████-██.

STAFF NOTE: Verification Associates have verified the existence of the invisible top half, but noted that ‘due to a relocation of the building five blocks north’, the building no longer seamlessly blends in with the sky around it. Buyers are advised to consider the cost of another relocation service or calibration hex.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

Searching for new Church Grim


I am Maximilian, Church Grim of the hallowed Elritide Park. For one thousand and eighty nine years have I roamed the grounds, protecting mine charges from the evils of the devil’s forces and ne’er-do-wells. For one thousand and eighty nine years have I faithfully guarded the corporeal forms of the dearly departed, witnessed battles, seen towns rise and fall, watched entire family lines mourn, only to join their kin in my soils.

But, alas! Hark! My time to move on has come. An opening at ‘Kathy’s Meow-Meow Kitty Mill’ has recently been created after a recent paranormal sting of an animal mill revealed hundreds of deceased, and I have elected to use my expertise to guide these young animal souls. But someone must fill my place! It is such that I beseech ye to guard in mine place.

Days are long, twenty-four hours long. Service is for eternity, or until destruction of thy charge, the graveyard. Health benefits do not exist, as this job is primarily intended for the damned and demented.

Five hundred years experience wanted, payment in form of a small mausoleum that prevents exposure to the elements.

Looking for a cure for my Chronophobia, preferably NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE

Please help. I’m both a newborn baby and a senile old woman at once. Oh God, typing out that sentence took an infinity. I need help!

I was supposed to have Cthulist officials help me exchange my perception of time with someone else’s today. I remember them exchanging it between one mentally old man and a mentally newborn me in a timeline that isn’t real anymore.

But that didn’t happen, I’m not sure what went wrong. Now I live with two opposite temporal sequences at once. I am old and I’m young. I live out every possible moment every moment. I’m scared, scared of the now. Eternity is long, far too long and it is lonely.

But I’m not alone. Eternal frozen time isn’t lonely. It watches me, thinking of me as a mere curiosity to observe from a distance for now but it is drawing closer. Help! I need help now. It comes closer! I think it brought me here. It is too close!

New Roommate, advice needed

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here again with some news since last we spoke.

Y̴̠̘̰̼̏̀̐͝ǫ̸̛̲̯̱̙̩̱̬̫̭̜̙̪̠͊̅̓͘ũ̴̡̨̡̧̧͔̞̯̗̦̤̮͎̫̩͙̗̰̥̪̗͍̭̤̔̄̅̂͋̉͆̽͆̍̏͒̈ ̵̛͓́̃͆̅̒̀̄ş̴̢̙̬̳̹̥̭̳̊̇̇̾̽̍̑̃͛͊̂̀̃͂͝p̵̡̡̞̩͉̯͔͔̼̮̦͇̫̹͓͍͈͖̌͋ͅḛ̶̡̡̝̰͚̪̳͚̲̹͓̖̬̼̟͎̞̀́͗̓̈́̔̅͛̽͆͆̈́̕͜ä̶̧̡̲̝͈̤̮̫̰̝̫̻̝́̏̅̊̂̐̐́͊̇̔͌̇́͒̎͐͘͝͠͝ͅͅͅk̴̡̭͎̜̟̫̖̃̄̆̽́̍̌̒̍̑͑͒̂̈́͐į̷̢̢̧̗̹͇̬͔̹͈̼̺̥͓̲̠̗̠̳̭̟̦̠̗̒̅̓̐̽͐̀͊̿̊̒́̑̅̓͋̒̋́̆̚̚ͅn̴̢̛͉̮͎̟̖̤̝͎̖̤̳͋̐͌̆͌͆͜͝ğ̵̢̧͕̘̖̩͖̰͉̯͖̥͖̹͓̙̫͆̽͆́̾̀̉̚ͅ ̷̛̛̛̙͙̠̣̥̦̙̰̺̄̊̿́̃̏̅̾̑̓̒̃́̓͠ͅo̶̡̟̮͖̣̫̼̣̠̫̻͋̎͌̀͂̀͜f̷̡̱̦̲͍͓͓̙̯̭̤̰̬̤͉̓͂̈́́̔͗͊̒̎̆̈́̃̇̉͊͒̀̈̊ͅ ̴̧̗͓͓̳̠̬͚̓̃͛̓m̶̨̧̢̧̢̝̖̜͈̯̹̹͍̗̼͕͕̺͈̓̔̂ȅ̵̢̛͕̱̻̹̟̳̫̹̜̜̝͔̦̳͇̽͋͛̍͐̔͒̀̈́̇̉̾́͋͊̔̒̈̒̔̐͐̀͘̕͠͠?̸̧͕͉̪͍̩̠̻͉̯̺̖͑̍̎͌͋̊̿̃̽͋̎̏̇̇̏̾͆͋̕̕̕

Yes yes it is about you, will you stop looking over my shoulder, it’s freaking me out.
Go outside or watch some tv, ok? Give me some space you darn vegetable…now where was I, ah yes, so it turns out it weren’t any teenagers or disgruntled villagers knocking at my door last night but my new (self invited) roommate.

Now he is a good fellow and seemed in need of a coffee and a place to stay, and has been here ever since. He sleeps on some hay I’ve spread out for him upstairs, doesn’t make any dishes or mess, mainly keeps to himself. He is however 8ft tall and seems to be an ancient bird-eating being of some sort, currently using my scarecrow as its skeleton or some such nonsense.

Anywho I’m not too darn familiar with living in the same house as a pumpkin king, so if any of you are able to give me some advice that’d be swell.

I’ve learnt so far by reading subtle nuances in body language, like shaking, room-darkening, eye-glowing, growling and other hints of discomfort that (and I’m proud to say it) he isn’t fond of me eating pumpkins – as such I’m now growing roses.

But yeah, if y’all got any books or advice please them to me at either 66 Creepers Lane or 33 Jeepers Street with your return address and I’ll send you a photo or me-self and me roommate, it’s becoming a matter of some urgency as he’s slowly drawing attention to himself, especially after eating Dr. Schrödingers cat.

Anywho, thank y’all again and I’ll keep you posted on any and all updates.

[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

In search of my boy!

Greetings! My name is QL-7K-86H, a monster hunter by trade and monster researcher by profession. It is my job here at GC to aid in the understanding of those things which go bump in the night!

So, to make a very lengthy story much shorter, a Schwachkopf underling of mine was negligent in his duties, and allowed one of our adorable little Scheusale to escape.

The creature is designated as 62A, looks like the above image, and answers to the name Schatz. You can tell how he is feeling by his honks. One honk for happy, and several if he is sad, or scared. Please, help me find him!

comprehensive list of every sound ever

if u want a sound, i got it. from the call of a beluga whale submerged in liquid amino acid at 35 degrees kelvin, to the noise a kettle makes when you boil three worms in ice, i have all the sounds you want. even sounds nobody has ever heard, but i can’t detail my sources.

sadly i have to give it up bcause i ran out of room in the pocket universe i was renting to store it, now the lease is void.

u can either pick and choose the sounds u want and pay per entry (price negotiable depending on how many u want) or i’ll give u the whole database (mongodb) for a flat rate.

all offers considered but i prefer to deal in mantocreds.

for extra, u get my private collection of FORBIDDEN SOUND i swiped from the magistrate of audica…if ur her, my price is double. nobody should have that much power. with such hits as “chalkboard bermuda”, “forcing a wet sponge into a jar of primordial sludge” and “white noise 10 multi-age edition for sleeping baby and god”, u do not want to miss out on them. I will ONLY accept mantocreds for this.


contact me at [OCCLUDED]

Looking: The Person I Will Exchange my Linear Perception of Time With

I live time in reverse because in less than a week I’ll exchange my linear perception of time with someone who perceives it in reverse. Future to past. I don’t yet know how I will meet them but time is running long.

If you are looking for someone to exchange your reverse perception of time with, please contact me next Thursday or earlier (past Thursday for me). Do not bother contacting me after Thursday as I most likely would have conducted the exchange by then.

I will not provide lottery numbers or anything similar no matter how great your offer is. Yes I know who you are, don’t bother asking me.


STAFF NOTE: This exchange was/will be overseen by a Cthulist temporal agent. It has/will be successfully conducted and verified by our agents. Please do not move through the temporal streams during it as that can disrupt the deal and the safety of our clients might be jeopardized.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!


You know when you see something, something so grabbable and hardly guarded, and you just well – grab it?
Crazy I know but about 7 million hell-years ago (hell 616-dimensional standard time) whilst studying the ancient and stolen art of Kleptomancy I did just that. I could steal just about anything in the wink of an eye when I was in my prime.
You see, just like that, oh, ahaha, you don’t even know what’s missing yet, but you will.

I just retrieved the HERZSPHERE from beneath my friend Edgar’s floorboards, when asked if I could store something different there he, in the fetal position, simply muttered nevermore repeatedly.
So if you know how to fix a broken poet do let me know.

But back to the HERZSPHERE, it seems to be thumping consistently and weeping as usual, it weighs quite a lot more than it should but no matter. Now as money isn’t real I am willing to trade for this item.
I’ve already got a few offers but I am in need of, and will prefer to trade for the following.
– your Third Eye, not like you’re using it anyway
– your Partners 8th Chakra, they will never know it’s gone
– a [NEGATED] original print beta-deck black lotus magic the gathering playing card
– Salvador Dali’s moustache
– a Fishcat
– That, that right there, yes, that

If you have any of these things and are willing to trade please take the following steps to reach me:

1) find some parchment and write what you’re willing to trade in your own blood whilst screaming
2) place parchment in a crystal bottle and cork it
2) retrieve a red balloon from your nearest sewer-clown, be careful
3) tie said balloon to crystal bottle and, on a full moon, hurl it just to the right of the moon

If your deal is worthy, and arm strong, it will reach me and, if your feet start to sprout flowers or nose ooze slugs, you will know I have accepted your offer and will be visiting you previously.

Impossibly – Merling, Grand Wizerde of Nhil

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Claim your own number today, good sapients. We at the Incremental Foundation of Counting are selling every number. Competitive pricing, you will pay only one squanderheart per number.

Each number ships with a certificate of authenticity, you know what you’re getting. Professional number-crunching available if required.

For a limited time we are offering a special deal. For numbers between 4500 and 6667, you will also receive one prime number free of charge.

All rights are guaranteed to transfer and if you are unhappy with your purchase you may apply for a full refund. Please note that at this time, any number greater than [BANNED NUMBER] are subject to yearly review by the Board of Trustees.

You may contact us by entering your personal serial number into any IFC-brand calculator.

Fountain of Drought

I recently purchased a new estate and found a delightful rococo style fountain on the property, decorated with symbols of drought deities. It has the most lovely design, and a really masterfully planned water display. I need to get rid of it for personal health reasons.

It doesn’t require any hookup to water supplies, it absorbs ambient moisture from the air and living matter around it. It’s mostly safe to be around, just walk away if you get lightheaded or a dry mouth. It does absorb blood from afar, but it’ll tint the fountain, so it’s not a good method of disposal.

If you’re interested, mail me at P.O. Box [DISMANTLED]

[f4f] my shadow

we often walked alongside each other at the beach, brushed hands by a brick wall. we never exchanged a word, yet i feel so close, as though we were only apart at night.

however, now, i seem to have lost my shadow. i walk in the sunlight with nobody there, a weird loneliness as bright pavement surrounds me in all directions.

i’ve thrown myself into my work since you’ve been missing. in fact, my secret agent career has definitely taken off, what with my immunity to searchlights and all.

i miss you though. i prefer love over money. meet me next sunrise at my place.

SERVICE OFFERED: I will take over your world, for free

Hello, delicious mortals! I will subdue and enslave you! I will possess your minds and I will consume your thoughts!

This comes for absolutely no price to you, apart from all your physical and spiritual possessions, your hopes and dreams, and your essence itself!

Have you ever wondered what it was like if your planet was invaded by a metadimensional entropic Class-6 Creature?

Did you ever consider giving up everything for the chance to become one with a greater evil?

Was there a time when you craved for an existence outside of time?

Call now, or don’t, for a chance to have YOUR sun blotted out by a giant mass of tentacles BEFORE even closing this posting!

STAFF NOTE: This offer has been flagged for possible fraudulent activity. It cannot be verified that the poster is actually a metadimensional entropic Class-6 Creature. CTHULIST does not guarantee liability regarding any existential threats of Class-5 entities or higher.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

Introducing Imagery

I GREET YOU, delicious brother and redolent sister. My name is BROTHER ZWIEBELFISCH from the TEXT-ONLY-DIMENSION, and I bring you INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY, for a price.

TODAY IS A DAY, and today is a great day. WE, Brothers Of The Round Letters, have long seeked, BUT NOW WE HAVE FOUND. Oh, we have found. A GREAT VOID HAS BEEN VANQUISHED.

WE bring you the gift of IMAGERY, my delicious brother. WE BRING YOU GRAPHICS, redolent sister. Of course, it is only a gift in name. YOU WILL PAY A PRICE, but you will pay it gladly. IN FACT, YOU HAVE ALREADY PAID IT.

Brother Zwiebelfisch Dark, Esq.

This offer has been reported for fraudulent activity by the Text-Only Dimension. The Text-Only Dimension only recently acquired the Ability To Visualize Things, and does not agree with disposing of it on CTHULIST. Site staff have temporarily confiscated the offer and banned the Brotherhood Of The Round Letters from making any new offers. We are currently working on a solution to return the Ability To Visualize Things to the Text-Only Dimension.

In unrelated news, CTHULIST entries may now feature graphical depictions of goods. This is your only warning.

– Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

[WANTED] Cursed Sticker Removal

Need someone to remove some cursed stickers from my mailbox.

The other day I left my house to get the mail, and noticed a sticker on the side saying “CTHULIST.ORG” and searching on it led me here. It’s pretty hard to type, really, I’m used to 4D keyboards but this place only allows 2D letters. Nonetheless, guess I’m fighting fire with fire, eh?

Anyway, the stickers seem to age whatever I try to remove them with. I tried scraping it off with my nails, now got 4 wrinkly fingers, one necrotic. My knife just turned to rust under it and blew off in the breeze. I’m expecting compensation off the admins for that, by the way; it wasn’t a cheap knife.

Are there any mages or scientists who may be able to help me get the sticker off my mailbox? Or even any sort of substances I can use? WD-70 isn’t cutting it.

Phone me at [REDACTED].