Kardashev Type-II Ant Farm

So let me preface this by saying I’m not the most organised person.
One morning about two weeks ago I was in a rush to get to work when I spilled some of my thermoblast 20 sugar extra-long black on the kitchen bench, of course I left it there. That night when I got back home my bench was crawling with ants. So I did what any sane person would do and swept them into the sand-filled terrarium of my deceased lizard Kermit.

The next morning when I checked on them they had made some sort of pyramid and were looking up into the sky, at me, as they beheaded one of their own, whilst all in unison emitting a slight hum. As you can imagine I was shook, I sat down, and tried to discern the meaning of this over a coffee when it hit me- they think I’m their god. I scratched out a little well in their container and poured in some coffee before proceeding to go about my day.

Over the next few days I continued this ritual and watched as their civilization kept advancing.
Eventually I couldn’t even tell what they were up to and it was clear they had advanced far beyond us.
Then one night a huge hologram was blasted above the terrarium where an ant, wearing some super stylish jumpsuit, thanked me in perfect [LOCAL LANGUAGE].

Man, honestly they’ve started sending out probes now and are terraforming the fruit bowl, so if anyone wants a super-advanced coffee-addicted ant farm, contact me, I’m letting this one go for a reasonable price.

[LOCAL GREETING]

Looking for a cure for my Chronophobia, preferably NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE

Please help. I’m both a newborn baby and a senile old woman at once. Oh God, typing out that sentence took an infinity. I need help!

I was supposed to have Cthulist officials help me exchange my perception of time with someone else’s today. I remember them exchanging it between one mentally old man and a mentally newborn me in a timeline that isn’t real anymore.

But that didn’t happen, I’m not sure what went wrong. Now I live with two opposite temporal sequences at once. I am old and I’m young. I live out every possible moment every moment. I’m scared, scared of the now. Eternity is long, far too long and it is lonely.

But I’m not alone. Eternal frozen time isn’t lonely. It watches me, thinking of me as a mere curiosity to observe from a distance for now but it is drawing closer. Help! I need help now. It comes closer! I think it brought me here. It is too close!

New Roommate, advice needed

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here again with some news since last we spoke.

Y̴̠̘̰̼̏̀̐͝ǫ̸̛̲̯̱̙̩̱̬̫̭̜̙̪̠͊̅̓͘ũ̴̡̨̡̧̧͔̞̯̗̦̤̮͎̫̩͙̗̰̥̪̗͍̭̤̔̄̅̂͋̉͆̽͆̍̏͒̈ ̵̛͓́̃͆̅̒̀̄ş̴̢̙̬̳̹̥̭̳̊̇̇̾̽̍̑̃͛͊̂̀̃͂͝p̵̡̡̞̩͉̯͔͔̼̮̦͇̫̹͓͍͈͖̌͋ͅḛ̶̡̡̝̰͚̪̳͚̲̹͓̖̬̼̟͎̞̀́͗̓̈́̔̅͛̽͆͆̈́̕͜ä̶̧̡̲̝͈̤̮̫̰̝̫̻̝́̏̅̊̂̐̐́͊̇̔͌̇́͒̎͐͘͝͠͝ͅͅͅk̴̡̭͎̜̟̫̖̃̄̆̽́̍̌̒̍̑͑͒̂̈́͐į̷̢̢̧̗̹͇̬͔̹͈̼̺̥͓̲̠̗̠̳̭̟̦̠̗̒̅̓̐̽͐̀͊̿̊̒́̑̅̓͋̒̋́̆̚̚ͅn̴̢̛͉̮͎̟̖̤̝͎̖̤̳͋̐͌̆͌͆͜͝ğ̵̢̧͕̘̖̩͖̰͉̯͖̥͖̹͓̙̫͆̽͆́̾̀̉̚ͅ ̷̛̛̛̙͙̠̣̥̦̙̰̺̄̊̿́̃̏̅̾̑̓̒̃́̓͠ͅo̶̡̟̮͖̣̫̼̣̠̫̻͋̎͌̀͂̀͜f̷̡̱̦̲͍͓͓̙̯̭̤̰̬̤͉̓͂̈́́̔͗͊̒̎̆̈́̃̇̉͊͒̀̈̊ͅ ̴̧̗͓͓̳̠̬͚̓̃͛̓m̶̨̧̢̧̢̝̖̜͈̯̹̹͍̗̼͕͕̺͈̓̔̂ȅ̵̢̛͕̱̻̹̟̳̫̹̜̜̝͔̦̳͇̽͋͛̍͐̔͒̀̈́̇̉̾́͋͊̔̒̈̒̔̐͐̀͘̕͠͠?̸̧͕͉̪͍̩̠̻͉̯̺̖͑̍̎͌͋̊̿̃̽͋̎̏̇̇̏̾͆͋̕̕̕

Yes yes it is about you, will you stop looking over my shoulder, it’s freaking me out.
Go outside or watch some tv, ok? Give me some space you darn vegetable…now where was I, ah yes, so it turns out it weren’t any teenagers or disgruntled villagers knocking at my door last night but my new (self invited) roommate.

Now he is a good fellow and seemed in need of a coffee and a place to stay, and has been here ever since. He sleeps on some hay I’ve spread out for him upstairs, doesn’t make any dishes or mess, mainly keeps to himself. He is however 8ft tall and seems to be an ancient bird-eating being of some sort, currently using my scarecrow as its skeleton or some such nonsense.

Anywho I’m not too darn familiar with living in the same house as a pumpkin king, so if any of you are able to give me some advice that’d be swell.

I’ve learnt so far by reading subtle nuances in body language, like shaking, room-darkening, eye-glowing, growling and other hints of discomfort that (and I’m proud to say it) he isn’t fond of me eating pumpkins – as such I’m now growing roses.

But yeah, if y’all got any books or advice please them to me at either 66 Creepers Lane or 33 Jeepers Street with your return address and I’ll send you a photo or me-self and me roommate, it’s becoming a matter of some urgency as he’s slowly drawing attention to himself, especially after eating Dr. Schrödingers cat.

Anywho, thank y’all again and I’ll keep you posted on any and all updates.

[SENT VIA TEXT TO SPEECH RELAY]
[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

comprehensive list of every sound ever

if u want a sound, i got it. from the call of a beluga whale submerged in liquid amino acid at 35 degrees kelvin, to the noise a kettle makes when you boil three worms in ice, i have all the sounds you want. even sounds nobody has ever heard, but i can’t detail my sources.

sadly i have to give it up bcause i ran out of room in the pocket universe i was renting to store it, now the lease is void.

u can either pick and choose the sounds u want and pay per entry (price negotiable depending on how many u want) or i’ll give u the whole database (mongodb) for a flat rate.

all offers considered but i prefer to deal in mantocreds.

for extra, u get my private collection of FORBIDDEN SOUND i swiped from the magistrate of audica…if ur her, my price is double. nobody should have that much power. with such hits as “chalkboard bermuda”, “forcing a wet sponge into a jar of primordial sludge” and “white noise 10 multi-age edition for sleeping baby and god”, u do not want to miss out on them. I will ONLY accept mantocreds for this.

NO LESSER SOULS! IF U ARE TRANSACTING IN SOULS I WILL ONLY TAKE WAVE-GREEN OR ABOVE!

contact me at [OCCLUDED]

Looking: The Person I Will Exchange my Linear Perception of Time With

I live time in reverse because in less than a week I’ll exchange my linear perception of time with someone who perceives it in reverse. Future to past. I don’t yet know how I will meet them but time is running long.

If you are looking for someone to exchange your reverse perception of time with, please contact me next Thursday or earlier (past Thursday for me). Do not bother contacting me after Thursday as I most likely would have conducted the exchange by then.

I will not provide lottery numbers or anything similar no matter how great your offer is. Yes I know who you are, don’t bother asking me.

 


STAFF NOTE: This exchange was/will be overseen by a Cthulist temporal agent. It has/will be successfully conducted and verified by our agents. Please do not move through the temporal streams during it as that can disrupt the deal and the safety of our clients might be jeopardized.


-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

THE HERZSPHERE

You know when you see something, something so grabbable and hardly guarded, and you just well – grab it?
Crazy I know but about 7 million hell-years ago (hell 616-dimensional standard time) whilst studying the ancient and stolen art of Kleptomancy I did just that. I could steal just about anything in the wink of an eye when I was in my prime.
You see, just like that, oh, ahaha, you don’t even know what’s missing yet, but you will.

I just retrieved the HERZSPHERE from beneath my friend Edgar’s floorboards, when asked if I could store something different there he, in the fetal position, simply muttered nevermore repeatedly.
So if you know how to fix a broken poet do let me know.

But back to the HERZSPHERE, it seems to be thumping consistently and weeping as usual, it weighs quite a lot more than it should but no matter. Now as money isn’t real I am willing to trade for this item.
I’ve already got a few offers but I am in need of, and will prefer to trade for the following.
– your Third Eye, not like you’re using it anyway
– your Partners 8th Chakra, they will never know it’s gone
– a [NEGATED] original print beta-deck black lotus magic the gathering playing card
– Salvador Dali’s moustache
– a Fishcat
– That, that right there, yes, that

If you have any of these things and are willing to trade please take the following steps to reach me:

1) find some parchment and write what you’re willing to trade in your own blood whilst screaming
2) place parchment in a crystal bottle and cork it
2) retrieve a red balloon from your nearest sewer-clown, be careful
3) tie said balloon to crystal bottle and, on a full moon, hurl it just to the right of the moon

If your deal is worthy, and arm strong, it will reach me and, if your feet start to sprout flowers or nose ooze slugs, you will know I have accepted your offer and will be visiting you previously.

Impossibly – Merling, Grand Wizerde of Nhil

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Claim your own number today, good sapients. We at the Incremental Foundation of Counting are selling every number. Competitive pricing, you will pay only one squanderheart per number.

Each number ships with a certificate of authenticity, you know what you’re getting. Professional number-crunching available if required.

For a limited time we are offering a special deal. For numbers between 4500 and 6667, you will also receive one prime number free of charge.

All rights are guaranteed to transfer and if you are unhappy with your purchase you may apply for a full refund. Please note that at this time, any number greater than [BANNED NUMBER] are subject to yearly review by the Board of Trustees.

You may contact us by entering your personal serial number into any IFC-brand calculator.

Fountain of Drought

I recently purchased a new estate and found a delightful rococo style fountain on the property, decorated with symbols of drought deities. It has the most lovely design, and a really masterfully planned water display. I need to get rid of it for personal health reasons.

It doesn’t require any hookup to water supplies, it absorbs ambient moisture from the air and living matter around it. It’s mostly safe to be around, just walk away if you get lightheaded or a dry mouth. It does absorb blood from afar, but it’ll tint the fountain, so it’s not a good method of disposal.

If you’re interested, mail me at P.O. Box [DISMANTLED]

urgntlg ned a spalchker

hi pls my nam is lucy n i got cursd to spal bad wheb i was a teenogre. I ned a spalchaker to chek the spall iv wrotten to uncruse me. i have a diploda of majic revreasl butt i stil ned sumwon to make sure it’s goochy b4 i try it bcz the sigh defects…

wit the debilidildotating consockquenches my afflecktion cozzes it tok me 10 yirs to right my spel write, i can’t spear the thot of anotr 10 chekin it so plzzzz i need u to help!!!!

if it wroeks eyell pay u dubbel, butt the craws is rlly stratting to herd my profensibgonal reptiiuattaoon. cnat writ emals, cnat use introneot bcoz even googlggle doennt no wht im trybgto say

i rly need hlep, i am traped withot u whoweather u r……….

cuntact me @ [REDARCTDE]

[m4?] NOT seeking the person who started a cult in my dreams

I was walking along a narrow path, many ahead and behind. In front, I saw a commotion. People with black blindfolds were acosting the walkers, who were either pushed along the path further or escaped up the hill bank.

Feeling your presence and knowing that this was not a regular dream occurrence, I too fled up the hill in a moment of lucidity. Jumping a fence, I saw you seek me out as if this was not how the dream was supposed to go.

I ran home, seeing more and more of the blindfolded people around this small town. A quiet suburb. Sitting in front of the computer, I wrote a PSA, warning people of you.

When I woke up I felt relief, before the dread set in and  I still felt your presence near me. I looked out my window and saw you, looking right back at me with a malevolent grin.

Please stay away from me. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.

[UPDATE] Mambos No. 1 to 4

Not a listing, but a strange update.

Lou Bega announced recently in an interview about the origin of Mambos number 1 to 4, which sound like complete tripe to me.

 

He came up with some excuse that it was representing the five continents, which is a big stretch to say the least, but a remarkable cover up.

Good work Lou Bega. By the way, I do still have them for sale. Nobody is brave enough to come and buy them, possibly at the risk of being captured by the secret service.

But what a truly masterful play. Insist it’s something harmless, but I know what you’re hiding, Lou. I know it all.

[USER TERMINATED, NOT A REAL LISTING]

[CHEAP] Rectified 5-Orthoplex Couch

Selling a rectified 5-orthoplex couch, exists in five dimensions. Inherited it from my aunt who got busted for selling metaphysical experiences in R2722. Fits three fifth dimensional beings, four fourth dimensional beings, and causes spontaneous annihilation in three dimensional beings.

Made of fine oxbeetle fur, prime quality. Slight damage on the second hyperplane from trying to fit it through a three dimensional doorway, but it’ll buff out. Recently had it cleaned.

This is not an orthopedic couch, do not complain if you buy it and find out it won’t massage your feet. I do NOT accept virgin souls, goat sacrifice, or the milk of a freshly born ewe.

I will only take antiquark quantities. You must provide the means of moving it to your reality.

[Relayed message from R2722 by UNTOLD]

There is a Hunger.

The Hunger grows ever stronger, biting, gnawing at him.

What construct of flesh and bone can satiate it?

Only the Naergloan.

He offers only this exchange: A memory of a picnic and the life-debt of the Dog-Child in return for the Naergloan, or best offer.

[Relayed Message From R4920 by The Evergrowing Hunger]

SEEKING!!! Recipe Book of Forgotten Eternities

Hi y’all,

Looking for a recipe book that instructs on how to create universes from scratch. I’ve only found programming examples (NOT what I’m asking for, I’m not good with computers) or theological prayer books. BUT I will pay a good price because I want to get this done A S A P please!

There’s been some promising blogs I’ve looked at but they always talk too much about their husband’s experience with power tools before they get to the actual recipe — so that’s a no go.

Again, HIGH PRICE! Specifically, my firstborn.

Contact me by building a smoke signal at the highest point on your world. I’ll find you and we’ll work something out. Thx

  • God [R1001]

[m4l] Someone to fill the void

I’m looking for a partner who can make my life complete. For the past 5 eons, half of my body has been devoured by a Chaos Portal, rendering that half an empty void.

I need someone to be my legs. Not metaphorically, either. You can be anyone, anything, or anywhere (some exceptions), I just need free access to your legs at all times so I can continue my life.

The portal is closed and yet still present, so there is some risk involved in that these legs may disappear at any point. Probably not though.

No slugs, snails, or otherwise leg-deficient species accepted. Ideally you will be bipedal, unless it is easy to balance. Legs begin from the hips downwards. Humans preferred but at this point I’m desperate.

Call me urgently on [PURGED] for more information.

MISSED CONNECTIONS / [SEARCHING FOR FILTHY TRICKSTER HUMAN]

IT IS I XOZROLLOD OF THE ELEVENTH CYCLE.

IN THE SAFEHAVEN OF CAELION, YOU TRICKED ME OUT OF THE THAZGUD HERZSPHERE.

IT HAS TAKEN ME SEVEN MILLION HELL-YEARS, BUT FINALLY I HAVE FOUND YOU.

YOU, READING THIS POST NOW.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

PREPARE FOR RETRIBUTION.

YOUR BODY WILL BE RENDERED INTO FUEL FOR THE NEVER-STOPPING MACHINES OF HELL.

YOUR SOUL WILL BE SPLIT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES, SCATTERED OVER THE BILDLICHIAN CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

YOUR WORLD WILL BE NOTHING BUT PAIN AND REGRET.

RETURN THE HERZSPHERE NOW, AND YOUR SENTENCE MAY BE SHORTENED BY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS.

YOU HAVE UNTIL THE NEXT MOON.

Murder of Ravens

Looking to rehome murder of ravens. Used in the past for debt collection and harassing restaurants that don’t deliver on time. Three of the six hundred are well-capable of basic speech but can’t be expected to shut up. One enjoys dad-jokes.

Will trade for vintage Rolodex of demons-for-hire or a soul-weighing station. Don’t worry about them dying, they breed faster than you can eat them.

[Relayed submission from The Accountant]

Mambos No. 1 to 4

They’re out there, and they exist. And I have them.

Everybody knows Mambo No. 5, people often wonder what the other four are about. Good news, Lou Bega was an inside man and they’re government state secrets.

Here’s the first, so you know I’m serious.

“A little bit of freedom in my life, a little bit of Watergate by my side
A little bit of Guantanamo is all I need, a little bit of torture is what I see
A little Sandinistas in the sun, a little bit of Gorbachev all night long
A little bit of pardons here I am, a little bit of u(ssr) makes me your man”

Now I know what you’re thinking, the fifth one was written in ’49, how can he apply 80’s politics? Here’s a quote from a critic:

“Mambo that catches the rhythm of the universe so soundly, it can predict the future.

Now you can understand why the fifth took such a big turn from state secrets and politics, to merely women. Paid off to not leak classified information all over the place.

I have them on vinyl, as well as transcripted lyrics. They’re a good listen, if the flow is ham-fisted to fit in single phrases.

Also, there’s a secret code you’ll need to decipher to unlock the encryption for the fourth vinyl. Clue: Whistleblower.

I’m trying to get rid of them to cover my tracks. Pay in Bitcthulu. I’ll also accept other classified info.

FOR SALE: Calendar that only tells you what happened in the past on today.

I have a calendar for sale that’s a bit quirky, got it from a trivia enthusiast. It only tells you historic events in the current universe that happened on this day and requires you figure out what the date is based on that. I suck at trivia, so I’m selling it.

Q: How hard are these questions?
A: It covers the history of your entire reality, so I hope you specialize in universal history,

Q: What language does it use?
A: Syigari B.

Q: On this day in history, General Atriboc invaded the Somavi Republic.
A: No seriously what day is it? I don’t know this one.

Q: Do you accept virgin souls?
A: No, I only accept Vagri Credits.

All offers should be made prior to showing up, if you arrive with less than you offered online you WILL be sent away. NO SOLICITATION.

Chanting Pumpkins, Help Wanted

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here,

I most certainly hope this is the correct part of the interwebs to be posting this, but the darndest thing went on in my pumpkin patch last night.

At the stroke of midnight i was awoken by a strange chanting, so naturally I grabbed my shotgun, pulled on my overalls and trudged out to see what was going on, and would you believe it? smack-bang in the middle of my pumpkin patch all the pumpkins were carved all Halloween-like and swaying, chanting in unison. I know, crazy right?

I was perplexed and a lil Gosh-darn Pissed, it being the second of November after all, I mean these young pumpkins have no respect chanting now, where were they three days ago?

Anyways, I went to pick up one of the suckers and the bloody thing bit me! After all the time and effort spent growing it, it bloody bit me.

I went back inside and bandaged my hand, the little buggers still chanting their strange chant, like remember when vegetables were just vegetables and you didn’t have to deal with this chanting and biting nonsense?

I got almost no sleep, I swear the buggers chanted till the rosters yelled, when I went back out to check on them all the pumpkins were completely normal!

But now it’s 12am and they have suddenly decided to start chanting, so if any of you want some night-chanting pumpkins I’m located on the corner of Jeepers Street and Creepers Lane and am selling them for 10 bucks a pop.

Oh, hold that thought, they’ve stopped chanting, oh you darn freaking pumpkins, I just wrote a terrific ad!

What? Who’s knocking at the door at this hour?

If any of you guys know what to do about night-chanting pumpkins or wish to buy some from me, please do, at the very least so I can get some shut eye.

I’m coming I’m coming, gosh darn kids and their lack of patience, having the nerve of knocking at my door at 12 in the Gosh-dang morning! Probably a noise complaint about the pumpkins or some other nonsense…

I better go, night y’all!

[SENT VIA SPEECH TO TEXT RELAY]
[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

It’s us, your dads. We’re at the store.

To: All

I don’t know how many of you there are out there, how many people think we’ve left you – but we haven’t. We’ve been trapped at this store for what feels like millennia.

There are so many dads here, the line is infinite, eternal. I can’t remember how I got here apart from that I need to buy cigarettes.

None of us can see a way out, but a rare celestial phenomenon has enabled only myself to use mobile data to post this. There is only the store at the end of the road. Endless void lot by no stars surrounds us.

I am the 366th in line to the store now, but there are others behind and in front of me. Behind, it seems unending. I do not know what happens when someone reaches the store. Do they get to go? It may be centuries more before I can find out, as I can’t remember being in any other place on this line, even though I must have been to get here.

If you’re reading this, we are your dads, from everywhere around the globe, and we are undying.

You don’t need to do anything (Read: Help, we are suppressed) and this is just to tell you that we love you all (Read: They can’t read brackets) and not to worry about us. (Read: GET US OUT OF HERE)

Sincerely,

Your Dads

[r4r] I saw you when our realities passed. Who were you?

It was for a few moments for me, but it felt like forever. Your eyes were full of stars, hair shimmering with ethereal quintessence. A beautiful creature that glanced at me and smiled.

Our bubbles moved away from each other, and then you were gone, taking your thirteen alternate realities with you and with it my thoughts.

I’d love to get in touch, to explore your universes’ history. Who were the great commanders, the poets, the musicians and the engineers?

If this was you, contact me on [RETRACTED]. For security, tell me the colour of stellar blush you wore.

Sincerely yours,
R8881, “Reality-Where-Groundhogs-Don’t-Exist-So-No-Movie-Starring-Bill-Murray-Exists-Either”

The United States of America

I recently acquired this country in a yard sale for $50, but it’s not functioning as expected so I’m hoping someone who knows how nations work can take it off my hands and fix it up.

The inhabitants are easily subdued, they’re only humans so they’re not too much of an issue.

There’s a few warning lights, nothing too major though. Check engine light with the codes for oxygen sensor, fuel pump and cam sensor. It misfires sometimes but you just have to restart it with a violent revolution and it’ll be fine for the rest of the day. I don’t have the money to get it repaired, so I’m offering it for $35 and I’ll throw in a guitar pick and a small packet of assorted lint (five different colours).

I have a separate offer for Australia, but that one I will throw in for an extra $5 since it’s mostly desert.

Pre-universe Matchbox car, mint condition

Limited edition Elder God Chariot from the Matchbox Eternal series, pre-universe. You may not ever find something else like it, since as far as I know, all the other pre-universe ones have been recalled by Matchbox for anomalous effects.

Statement from the company:

“We did not make these. They don’t even exist and they never have. If you are in possession of one, we will offer you a rebate of $500 for the safe return of the non-existent Eternal Series vehicles. For your own safety, do not look at it or attempt to seduce the Elder God figurine, as some of our customers felt compelled to do. It will literally eat your soul and you will die. Seriously, don’t do it.”
[SOURCE LINK EXPUNGED]

Obviously, this makes them exceedingly rare. I haven’t tried seducing it yet, but if you want to, contact me at [DESTROYED]

I will accept any transmutable currency as I get paid in Elderbux. For just $1.99 a month you can get your own subscription to Elderbux, a crypt-currency (not crypto, that’s different) that rewards you for getting paid.

[SPONSOR DETECTED, ELIMINATING]

[THIS LISTING HAS BEEN CLOSED BY ORDER OF THE GATEKEEPER]