Evil Lairs for Sale.

I get it. You’re an aspiring villain and you need somewhere to set up shop for your megalomaniacal intentions. I own a whole host of deserted islands, abandoned buildings and megacorporate office buildings.

Devious Realty is your agent to a better (or worse) tomorrow, one with YOU at the top of the food chain. I cater to villains from all walks of life, from mad scientists to witches, to reclusive stepmothers. All properties are No-Weak-Point guaranteed.

If you’re intent on destroying or ruling the world (or just a portion of it), contact me today and see our finest locations, including:

  • Aries Island – a dormant volcanic island with lush jungle cover and exquisite beaches. Comes with a small lodge built on it, as well as some prefab laboratory buildings. Expansion into the mountain possible and highly recommended. Volcanic cavern is warm and inviting, with enough space for a rocket. Plot your villainy in style true to the classics.
  • Doom Tower – 50 stories of steel and bulletproof glass, with a black exterior and rooftop helipad w/ AA gun mounts. Fill this space with your corporate slaves and engineer a darker tomorrow!
  • Eximir’s Grotto – a twisted and gnarled forest full of dark magic and intrigue. Network of tunnels beneath the trees begs for secret access points in the trees themselves. Watch for rodents of unusual size.

…and many more!

Devious Realty – we give the best, so you can be the worst.

Contact Hell-Agent McKinnon on [666].

tAlEnTeD LiNgUiSt & vOiCE CoAcH

I’M HaViNg a sErIoUs iSsUe aNd i dEsPeRaTeLy nEeD YoUr hElP

i’m tHiNk mY VoIcE AnD AlL My wRiTiNg cOmEs aCrOsS As mOcKiNg, WhIcH Is nOt wHaT I InTeNd tO Do bUt i cAn’t fIx iT.

I NeEd sOmEoNe tO HeLp mE, bEcAuSe eVeRy tImE I TaLk oR WrItE A CoMmEnT On tHe iNtErNeT, pEoPlE ThInK I’M An aSsHoLe.

i’m aCtUaLlY A ReAlLy nIcE PeRsOn iF YoU GeT To kNoW Me

I’M NoT EvEn tOxIc, TiNa yOu hOe

If yOu aRe a lInGuIsT, pRoFeSsIoNaL EdItOr, Or vOiCe cOaCh fOr mY WrItInG AnD SpEcIaLiSe iN UnDoInG CuRsEs tHeN PlEaSe cAlL Me

IdEaLlY YoU ArE NoT ToO MuCh oF A NeRd, lIkE ThE OnE ThAt cUrSeD Me

HaVe a nIcE DaY

FOR SALE: my hopes and dreams

henlo my naem is gregori, i am a 47 years old astrophycisit from the small town of lithunborgin, slovenia, many many years ago when small child i fall into puddle and puddle send me into the ring of saturn. i see space king there, name xorxo, he tell me i want your brain. i say no. he say you have spezcial brain, good hopes and dreams, many many money. i tell him no. he say fuck you. he punch me in nose. i wake up in lithunborgin clinic with broken nose, father tell me to take care next tiem in woods. i say ok papa. now 35 years later i am failed astrophysicict living still in lithinborgin after exile from europeen space agency four yrs ago. they tell me am crazy. they tell me no such thing as space king xorxo, they tell me fuck you. now hoping to seel my hopes and dreams to highest bidder as i hae nohing else to live for an ddesire mahy monies to achieve ,my hopes and derams.

thanks in advance

warm regards,
gregori NOVAK

Coffee Cup with a crack in it

I’m selling my prized coffee cup after it’s developed a crack in it. Now, ordinarily I’d just throw the thing away and order a replacement, but it’s not a regular crack.

I’ve glimpsed what lies beyond, and I can’t say I’m that fussed about it. If you’re an expert Lovecraftologist you’d be able to determine what kind of coffee-mug-sized abyssal horrors lie within the tear in reality, and maybe even extract a Bargain or two from them before the rift destabilizes and eliminates the neighborhood. I’ve dabbled in demon deals, but I’m no master by any sense of the word.

I’m fairly sure this came about because the cup itself is an anomaly, since it also turns any liquid you put into it into coffee. Really, really good coffee, made just how you like it. Yes, any liquid (except perhaps Universal Solvent).

My leading theory is that it’s pulling coffee from some kind of dimension where everything is coffee, and it’s always delicious. The development of the crack means I’m unsure if it still works – I’m rather hesitant to use it with the crack in it.

Oh, if you know how to repair reality tears instead, I’ll happily pay you for the trouble. It’s my favorite mug after all.

If you’re looking to buy it, I’ll pay barter with you – I have bag of galaxy marbles, mint condition.

No lowballs please, it’s a GOOD mug.

Call me on [REDACTED]

can someone PLEASE stop shrieking next door

this goes without saying but i’m getting f-ing SICK of the screeching and howling. are you a werewolf or a banshee or sthg?


i’m too scared to tell you in person because idk what kind of unholy abomination you are but DAMN please SHUT UP. if you know the lady in apartment 412 [REDACTED] and you’re really tough and unafraid of anything…go check it out for me?

holy sh-t wait wait

are you reading this right now?

screech once for yes, twice for no

how are you doing this? watching my screen?

alright i’m scared now, bye



[post submitted by THE SCREECH]

Impossible NFTs!!!! Here!! Now!!

be in a dark room

use a portable device on lowest brightness

view this exclusive NFT

shake your device around

let the image engulf you

you are now part of the blockchain

it surrounds you


this newly minted NFT, titled THE EGO OF ETERNITY could be yours for the low low price of your self-worth

claim it today before it claims you

thank you for letting me watch you through the image, that is all

??Looking for a dynasty??

ARE YOU seeking a royal family to JOIN? Look no further! DINEL’S DY?NASTIES is now OPEN and accepting interviews to join a host of PREMIUM royal families. SOULS ONLY. THANKYOU!

Currently available:

de Wizian: A dukedom of 5 counties across New Madoria, Duke Wizian is seeking a soul to be placed in the womb of his barren wife, in order to avoid a succession crisis.
Polwas: Looking for 2 souls to inhabit the husk of the dying king Elric, must be able to fend off barbarian hordes.
Scottfeld: Corporate dynasty seeking dynastic investors, good returns on 12.4% share. Take charge over the board of directors. self-ACTUALISE YOURSELF.
et Hyjued: Description unavailable – apply directly with blood sacrifice addressed to [REMOVED]. NO B+ BLOOD.
…and many more!

See the rest on [REMOVED], and hurry, there are LIMITED TIME offers before the inevitable REVOLUTION will DESTROY them all!!


You have enemies. I have more. We have a shared problem: too many enemies.

Death is so brutal. Death is so easy. And finally: too abrupt.

You could change them. We could change all of them. My solution: turn them into sheep.

The woolly ones. The ones that bleat. Yes, observe: they are fully aware.

I can perform this. Perform it for you. My demand: 1 reincarnation credit.

They live carefree. They live knowing what they were. Error: cognitive dissonance.

Be rid of your enemies. Be rid of frustrations. Sheep: The solution of the future.

A warning to you. A warning for all: These sheep: not to be harmed.

Inextricably linked to Ariekel. Linked to god of sheep. Warning: Revenge may be served.

Contact me with a bleat. Bleat at midnight. Promise: I will appear.

Kardashev Type-II Ant Farm

So let me preface this by saying I’m not the most organised person.
One morning about two weeks ago I was in a rush to get to work when I spilled some of my thermoblast 20 sugar extra-long black on the kitchen bench, of course I left it there. That night when I got back home my bench was crawling with ants. So I did what any sane person would do and swept them into the sand-filled terrarium of my deceased lizard Kermit.

The next morning when I checked on them they had made some sort of pyramid and were looking up into the sky, at me, as they beheaded one of their own, whilst all in unison emitting a slight hum. As you can imagine I was shook, I sat down, and tried to discern the meaning of this over a coffee when it hit me- they think I’m their god. I scratched out a little well in their container and poured in some coffee before proceeding to go about my day.

Over the next few days I continued this ritual and watched as their civilization kept advancing.
Eventually I couldn’t even tell what they were up to and it was clear they had advanced far beyond us.
Then one night a huge hologram was blasted above the terrarium where an ant, wearing some super stylish jumpsuit, thanked me in perfect [LOCAL LANGUAGE].

Man, honestly they’ve started sending out probes now and are terraforming the fruit bowl, so if anyone wants a super-advanced coffee-addicted ant farm, contact me, I’m letting this one go for a reasonable price.


Looking for a cure for my Chronophobia, preferably NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE

Please help. I’m both a newborn baby and a senile old woman at once. Oh God, typing out that sentence took an infinity. I need help!

I was supposed to have Cthulist officials help me exchange my perception of time with someone else’s today. I remember them exchanging it between one mentally old man and a mentally newborn me in a timeline that isn’t real anymore.

But that didn’t happen, I’m not sure what went wrong. Now I live with two opposite temporal sequences at once. I am old and I’m young. I live out every possible moment every moment. I’m scared, scared of the now. Eternity is long, far too long and it is lonely.

But I’m not alone. Eternal frozen time isn’t lonely. It watches me, thinking of me as a mere curiosity to observe from a distance for now but it is drawing closer. Help! I need help now. It comes closer! I think it brought me here. It is too close!

New Roommate, advice needed

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here again with some news since last we spoke.

Y̴̠̘̰̼̏̀̐͝ǫ̸̛̲̯̱̙̩̱̬̫̭̜̙̪̠͊̅̓͘ũ̴̡̨̡̧̧͔̞̯̗̦̤̮͎̫̩͙̗̰̥̪̗͍̭̤̔̄̅̂͋̉͆̽͆̍̏͒̈ ̵̛͓́̃͆̅̒̀̄ş̴̢̙̬̳̹̥̭̳̊̇̇̾̽̍̑̃͛͊̂̀̃͂͝p̵̡̡̞̩͉̯͔͔̼̮̦͇̫̹͓͍͈͖̌͋ͅḛ̶̡̡̝̰͚̪̳͚̲̹͓̖̬̼̟͎̞̀́͗̓̈́̔̅͛̽͆͆̈́̕͜ä̶̧̡̲̝͈̤̮̫̰̝̫̻̝́̏̅̊̂̐̐́͊̇̔͌̇́͒̎͐͘͝͠͝ͅͅͅk̴̡̭͎̜̟̫̖̃̄̆̽́̍̌̒̍̑͑͒̂̈́͐į̷̢̢̧̗̹͇̬͔̹͈̼̺̥͓̲̠̗̠̳̭̟̦̠̗̒̅̓̐̽͐̀͊̿̊̒́̑̅̓͋̒̋́̆̚̚ͅn̴̢̛͉̮͎̟̖̤̝͎̖̤̳͋̐͌̆͌͆͜͝ğ̵̢̧͕̘̖̩͖̰͉̯͖̥͖̹͓̙̫͆̽͆́̾̀̉̚ͅ ̷̛̛̛̙͙̠̣̥̦̙̰̺̄̊̿́̃̏̅̾̑̓̒̃́̓͠ͅo̶̡̟̮͖̣̫̼̣̠̫̻͋̎͌̀͂̀͜f̷̡̱̦̲͍͓͓̙̯̭̤̰̬̤͉̓͂̈́́̔͗͊̒̎̆̈́̃̇̉͊͒̀̈̊ͅ ̴̧̗͓͓̳̠̬͚̓̃͛̓m̶̨̧̢̧̢̝̖̜͈̯̹̹͍̗̼͕͕̺͈̓̔̂ȅ̵̢̛͕̱̻̹̟̳̫̹̜̜̝͔̦̳͇̽͋͛̍͐̔͒̀̈́̇̉̾́͋͊̔̒̈̒̔̐͐̀͘̕͠͠?̸̧͕͉̪͍̩̠̻͉̯̺̖͑̍̎͌͋̊̿̃̽͋̎̏̇̇̏̾͆͋̕̕̕

Yes yes it is about you, will you stop looking over my shoulder, it’s freaking me out.
Go outside or watch some tv, ok? Give me some space you darn vegetable…now where was I, ah yes, so it turns out it weren’t any teenagers or disgruntled villagers knocking at my door last night but my new (self invited) roommate.

Now he is a good fellow and seemed in need of a coffee and a place to stay, and has been here ever since. He sleeps on some hay I’ve spread out for him upstairs, doesn’t make any dishes or mess, mainly keeps to himself. He is however 8ft tall and seems to be an ancient bird-eating being of some sort, currently using my scarecrow as its skeleton or some such nonsense.

Anywho I’m not too darn familiar with living in the same house as a pumpkin king, so if any of you are able to give me some advice that’d be swell.

I’ve learnt so far by reading subtle nuances in body language, like shaking, room-darkening, eye-glowing, growling and other hints of discomfort that (and I’m proud to say it) he isn’t fond of me eating pumpkins – as such I’m now growing roses.

But yeah, if y’all got any books or advice please them to me at either 66 Creepers Lane or 33 Jeepers Street with your return address and I’ll send you a photo or me-self and me roommate, it’s becoming a matter of some urgency as he’s slowly drawing attention to himself, especially after eating Dr. Schrödingers cat.

Anywho, thank y’all again and I’ll keep you posted on any and all updates.

[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

comprehensive list of every sound ever

if u want a sound, i got it. from the call of a beluga whale submerged in liquid amino acid at 35 degrees kelvin, to the noise a kettle makes when you boil three worms in ice, i have all the sounds you want. even sounds nobody has ever heard, but i can’t detail my sources.

sadly i have to give it up bcause i ran out of room in the pocket universe i was renting to store it, now the lease is void.

u can either pick and choose the sounds u want and pay per entry (price negotiable depending on how many u want) or i’ll give u the whole database (mongodb) for a flat rate.

all offers considered but i prefer to deal in mantocreds.

for extra, u get my private collection of FORBIDDEN SOUND i swiped from the magistrate of audica…if ur her, my price is double. nobody should have that much power. with such hits as “chalkboard bermuda”, “forcing a wet sponge into a jar of primordial sludge” and “white noise 10 multi-age edition for sleeping baby and god”, u do not want to miss out on them. I will ONLY accept mantocreds for this.


contact me at [OCCLUDED]

Looking: The Person I Will Exchange my Linear Perception of Time With

I live time in reverse because in less than a week I’ll exchange my linear perception of time with someone who perceives it in reverse. Future to past. I don’t yet know how I will meet them but time is running long.

If you are looking for someone to exchange your reverse perception of time with, please contact me next Thursday or earlier (past Thursday for me). Do not bother contacting me after Thursday as I most likely would have conducted the exchange by then.

I will not provide lottery numbers or anything similar no matter how great your offer is. Yes I know who you are, don’t bother asking me.


STAFF NOTE: This exchange was/will be overseen by a Cthulist temporal agent. It has/will be successfully conducted and verified by our agents. Please do not move through the temporal streams during it as that can disrupt the deal and the safety of our clients might be jeopardized.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!


You know when you see something, something so grabbable and hardly guarded, and you just well – grab it?
Crazy I know but about 7 million hell-years ago (hell 616-dimensional standard time) whilst studying the ancient and stolen art of Kleptomancy I did just that. I could steal just about anything in the wink of an eye when I was in my prime.
You see, just like that, oh, ahaha, you don’t even know what’s missing yet, but you will.

I just retrieved the HERZSPHERE from beneath my friend Edgar’s floorboards, when asked if I could store something different there he, in the fetal position, simply muttered nevermore repeatedly.
So if you know how to fix a broken poet do let me know.

But back to the HERZSPHERE, it seems to be thumping consistently and weeping as usual, it weighs quite a lot more than it should but no matter. Now as money isn’t real I am willing to trade for this item.
I’ve already got a few offers but I am in need of, and will prefer to trade for the following.
– your Third Eye, not like you’re using it anyway
– your Partners 8th Chakra, they will never know it’s gone
– a [NEGATED] original print beta-deck black lotus magic the gathering playing card
– Salvador Dali’s moustache
– a Fishcat
– That, that right there, yes, that

If you have any of these things and are willing to trade please take the following steps to reach me:

1) find some parchment and write what you’re willing to trade in your own blood whilst screaming
2) place parchment in a crystal bottle and cork it
2) retrieve a red balloon from your nearest sewer-clown, be careful
3) tie said balloon to crystal bottle and, on a full moon, hurl it just to the right of the moon

If your deal is worthy, and arm strong, it will reach me and, if your feet start to sprout flowers or nose ooze slugs, you will know I have accepted your offer and will be visiting you previously.

Impossibly – Merling, Grand Wizerde of Nhil

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Claim your own number today, good sapients. We at the Incremental Foundation of Counting are selling every number. Competitive pricing, you will pay only one squanderheart per number.

Each number ships with a certificate of authenticity, you know what you’re getting. Professional number-crunching available if required.

For a limited time we are offering a special deal. For numbers between 4500 and 6667, you will also receive one prime number free of charge.

All rights are guaranteed to transfer and if you are unhappy with your purchase you may apply for a full refund. Please note that at this time, any number greater than [BANNED NUMBER] are subject to yearly review by the Board of Trustees.

You may contact us by entering your personal serial number into any IFC-brand calculator.

Fountain of Drought

I recently purchased a new estate and found a delightful rococo style fountain on the property, decorated with symbols of drought deities. It has the most lovely design, and a really masterfully planned water display. I need to get rid of it for personal health reasons.

It doesn’t require any hookup to water supplies, it absorbs ambient moisture from the air and living matter around it. It’s mostly safe to be around, just walk away if you get lightheaded or a dry mouth. It does absorb blood from afar, but it’ll tint the fountain, so it’s not a good method of disposal.

If you’re interested, mail me at P.O. Box [DISMANTLED]

urgntlg ned a spalchker

hi pls my nam is lucy n i got cursd to spal bad wheb i was a teenogre. I ned a spalchaker to chek the spall iv wrotten to uncruse me. i have a diploda of majic revreasl butt i stil ned sumwon to make sure it’s goochy b4 i try it bcz the sigh defects…

wit the debilidildotating consockquenches my afflecktion cozzes it tok me 10 yirs to right my spel write, i can’t spear the thot of anotr 10 chekin it so plzzzz i need u to help!!!!

if it wroeks eyell pay u dubbel, butt the craws is rlly stratting to herd my profensibgonal reptiiuattaoon. cnat writ emals, cnat use introneot bcoz even googlggle doennt no wht im trybgto say

i rly need hlep, i am traped withot u whoweather u r……….

cuntact me @ [REDARCTDE]

[m4?] NOT seeking the person who started a cult in my dreams

I was walking along a narrow path, many ahead and behind. In front, I saw a commotion. People with black blindfolds were acosting the walkers, who were either pushed along the path further or escaped up the hill bank.

Feeling your presence and knowing that this was not a regular dream occurrence, I too fled up the hill in a moment of lucidity. Jumping a fence, I saw you seek me out as if this was not how the dream was supposed to go.

I ran home, seeing more and more of the blindfolded people around this small town. A quiet suburb. Sitting in front of the computer, I wrote a PSA, warning people of you.

When I woke up I felt relief, before the dread set in and  I still felt your presence near me. I looked out my window and saw you, looking right back at me with a malevolent grin.

Please stay away from me. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.

[UPDATE] Mambos No. 1 to 4

Not a listing, but a strange update.

Lou Bega announced recently in an interview about the origin of Mambos number 1 to 4, which sound like complete tripe to me.


He came up with some excuse that it was representing the five continents, which is a big stretch to say the least, but a remarkable cover up.

Good work Lou Bega. By the way, I do still have them for sale. Nobody is brave enough to come and buy them, possibly at the risk of being captured by the secret service.

But what a truly masterful play. Insist it’s something harmless, but I know what you’re hiding, Lou. I know it all.


[CHEAP] Rectified 5-Orthoplex Couch

Selling a rectified 5-orthoplex couch, exists in five dimensions. Inherited it from my aunt who got busted for selling metaphysical experiences in R2722. Fits three fifth dimensional beings, four fourth dimensional beings, and causes spontaneous annihilation in three dimensional beings.

Made of fine oxbeetle fur, prime quality. Slight damage on the second hyperplane from trying to fit it through a three dimensional doorway, but it’ll buff out. Recently had it cleaned.

This is not an orthopedic couch, do not complain if you buy it and find out it won’t massage your feet. I do NOT accept virgin souls, goat sacrifice, or the milk of a freshly born ewe.

I will only take antiquark quantities. You must provide the means of moving it to your reality.

[Relayed message from R2722 by UNTOLD]

There is a Hunger.

The Hunger grows ever stronger, biting, gnawing at him.

What construct of flesh and bone can satiate it?

Only the Naergloan.

He offers only this exchange: A memory of a picnic and the life-debt of the Dog-Child in return for the Naergloan, or best offer.

[Relayed Message From R4920 by The Evergrowing Hunger]

SEEKING!!! Recipe Book of Forgotten Eternities

Hi y’all,

Looking for a recipe book that instructs on how to create universes from scratch. I’ve only found programming examples (NOT what I’m asking for, I’m not good with computers) or theological prayer books. BUT I will pay a good price because I want to get this done A S A P please!

There’s been some promising blogs I’ve looked at but they always talk too much about their husband’s experience with power tools before they get to the actual recipe — so that’s a no go.

Again, HIGH PRICE! Specifically, my firstborn.

Contact me by building a smoke signal at the highest point on your world. I’ll find you and we’ll work something out. Thx

  • God [R1001]

[m4l] Someone to fill the void

I’m looking for a partner who can make my life complete. For the past 5 eons, half of my body has been devoured by a Chaos Portal, rendering that half an empty void.

I need someone to be my legs. Not metaphorically, either. You can be anyone, anything, or anywhere (some exceptions), I just need free access to your legs at all times so I can continue my life.

The portal is closed and yet still present, so there is some risk involved in that these legs may disappear at any point. Probably not though.

No slugs, snails, or otherwise leg-deficient species accepted. Ideally you will be bipedal, unless it is easy to balance. Legs begin from the hips downwards. Humans preferred but at this point I’m desperate.

Call me urgently on [PURGED] for more information.