comprehensive list of every sound ever

if u want a sound, i got it. from the call of a beluga whale submerged in liquid amino acid at 35 degrees kelvin, to the noise a kettle makes when you boil three worms in ice, i have all the sounds you want. even sounds nobody has ever heard, but i can’t detail my sources.

sadly i have to give it up bcause i ran out of room in the pocket universe i was renting to store it, now the lease is void.

u can either pick and choose the sounds u want and pay per entry (price negotiable depending on how many u want) or i’ll give u the whole database (mongodb) for a flat rate.

all offers considered but i prefer to deal in mantocreds.

for extra, u get my private collection of FORBIDDEN SOUND i swiped from the magistrate of audica…if ur her, my price is double. nobody should have that much power. with such hits as “chalkboard bermuda”, “forcing a wet sponge into a jar of primordial sludge” and “white noise 10 multi-age edition for sleeping baby and god”, u do not want to miss out on them. I will ONLY accept mantocreds for this.


contact me at [OCCLUDED]

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Claim your own number today, good sapients. We at the Incremental Foundation of Counting are selling every number. Competitive pricing, you will pay only one squanderheart per number.

Each number ships with a certificate of authenticity, you know what you’re getting. Professional number-crunching available if required.

For a limited time we are offering a special deal. For numbers between 4500 and 6667, you will also receive one prime number free of charge.

All rights are guaranteed to transfer and if you are unhappy with your purchase you may apply for a full refund. Please note that at this time, any number greater than [BANNED NUMBER] are subject to yearly review by the Board of Trustees.

You may contact us by entering your personal serial number into any IFC-brand calculator.

[CHEAP] Rectified 5-Orthoplex Couch

Selling a rectified 5-orthoplex couch, exists in five dimensions. Inherited it from my aunt who got busted for selling metaphysical experiences in R2722. Fits three fifth dimensional beings, four fourth dimensional beings, and causes spontaneous annihilation in three dimensional beings.

Made of fine oxbeetle fur, prime quality. Slight damage on the second hyperplane from trying to fit it through a three dimensional doorway, but it’ll buff out. Recently had it cleaned.

This is not an orthopedic couch, do not complain if you buy it and find out it won’t massage your feet. I do NOT accept virgin souls, goat sacrifice, or the milk of a freshly born ewe.

I will only take antiquark quantities. You must provide the means of moving it to your reality.

[Relayed message from R2722 by UNTOLD]

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

FOR SALE: Pocket dimension containing billions of socks.

Basically, my ex-husband worked in the machine washer business, and after our divorce he gave me a pocket dimension as alimony. Thing is, I think he’s pulled a prank on me and built a portal into the design of the washing machine that sucks up socks and drops them in the pocket dimension.

Willing to sell for 500 Etheris, or a trade with the pocket dimension I keep losing all my bobby pins in. Email me at [REDACTED].

Portal to THE VOID for sale (slightly used)

  • Gently used portal to the Void. Recently constructed by the Necro Society, used as a demon transport every solar eclipse.
  • Has only been used a few times for religious sacrifices, forbidden knowledge, and arcane rituals.
  • Kit is included as well as an instructional DVD that covers basic maintenance. The portal is a 20 feet deep well. All you need to do is fill it with water, have a blood sacrifice and you’re good to go.
  • I will accept credit cards, checks, or a human soul.