Coffee Cup with a crack in it

I’m selling my prized coffee cup after it’s developed a crack in it. Now, ordinarily I’d just throw the thing away and order a replacement, but it’s not a regular crack.

I’ve glimpsed what lies beyond, and I can’t say I’m that fussed about it. If you’re an expert Lovecraftologist you’d be able to determine what kind of coffee-mug-sized abyssal horrors lie within the tear in reality, and maybe even extract a Bargain or two from them before the rift destabilizes and eliminates the neighborhood. I’ve dabbled in demon deals, but I’m no master by any sense of the word.

I’m fairly sure this came about because the cup itself is an anomaly, since it also turns any liquid you put into it into coffee. Really, really good coffee, made just how you like it. Yes, any liquid (except perhaps Universal Solvent).

My leading theory is that it’s pulling coffee from some kind of dimension where everything is coffee, and it’s always delicious. The development of the crack means I’m unsure if it still works – I’m rather hesitant to use it with the crack in it.

Oh, if you know how to repair reality tears instead, I’ll happily pay you for the trouble. It’s my favorite mug after all.

If you’re looking to buy it, I’ll pay barter with you – I have bag of galaxy marbles, mint condition.

No lowballs please, it’s a GOOD mug.

Call me on [REDACTED]

[m4l] Someone to fill the void

I’m looking for a partner who can make my life complete. For the past 5 eons, half of my body has been devoured by a Chaos Portal, rendering that half an empty void.

I need someone to be my legs. Not metaphorically, either. You can be anyone, anything, or anywhere (some exceptions), I just need free access to your legs at all times so I can continue my life.

The portal is closed and yet still present, so there is some risk involved in that these legs may disappear at any point. Probably not though.

No slugs, snails, or otherwise leg-deficient species accepted. Ideally you will be bipedal, unless it is easy to balance. Legs begin from the hips downwards. Humans preferred but at this point I’m desperate.

Call me urgently on [PURGED] for more information.

FOR SALE: Pocket dimension containing billions of socks.

Basically, my ex-husband worked in the machine washer business, and after our divorce he gave me a pocket dimension as alimony. Thing is, I think he’s pulled a prank on me and built a portal into the design of the washing machine that sucks up socks and drops them in the pocket dimension.

Willing to sell for 500 Etheris, or a trade with the pocket dimension I keep losing all my bobby pins in. Email me at [REDACTED].

Portal to THE VOID for sale (slightly used)

  • Gently used portal to the Void. Recently constructed by the Necro Society, used as a demon transport every solar eclipse.
  • Has only been used a few times for religious sacrifices, forbidden knowledge, and arcane rituals.
  • Kit is included as well as an instructional DVD that covers basic maintenance. The portal is a 20 feet deep well. All you need to do is fill it with water, have a blood sacrifice and you’re good to go.
  • I will accept credit cards, checks, or a human soul.


Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!