[m4?] NOT seeking the person who started a cult in my dreams

I was walking along a narrow path, many ahead and behind. In front, I saw a commotion. People with black blindfolds were acosting the walkers, who were either pushed along the path further or escaped up the hill bank.

Feeling your presence and knowing that this was not a regular dream occurrence, I too fled up the hill in a moment of lucidity. Jumping a fence, I saw you seek me out as if this was not how the dream was supposed to go.

I ran home, seeing more and more of the blindfolded people around this small town. A quiet suburb. Sitting in front of the computer, I wrote a PSA, warning people of you.

When I woke up I felt relief, before the dread set in and  I still felt your presence near me. I looked out my window and saw you, looking right back at me with a malevolent grin.

Please stay away from me. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.

Chanting Pumpkins, Help Wanted

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here,

I most certainly hope this is the correct part of the interwebs to be posting this, but the darndest thing went on in my pumpkin patch last night.

At the stroke of midnight i was awoken by a strange chanting, so naturally I grabbed my shotgun, pulled on my overalls and trudged out to see what was going on, and would you believe it? smack-bang in the middle of my pumpkin patch all the pumpkins were carved all Halloween-like and swaying, chanting in unison. I know, crazy right?

I was perplexed and a lil Gosh-darn Pissed, it being the second of November after all, I mean these young pumpkins have no respect chanting now, where were they three days ago?

Anyways, I went to pick up one of the suckers and the bloody thing bit me! After all the time and effort spent growing it, it bloody bit me.

I went back inside and bandaged my hand, the little buggers still chanting their strange chant, like remember when vegetables were just vegetables and you didn’t have to deal with this chanting and biting nonsense?

I got almost no sleep, I swear the buggers chanted till the rosters yelled, when I went back out to check on them all the pumpkins were completely normal!

But now it’s 12am and they have suddenly decided to start chanting, so if any of you want some night-chanting pumpkins I’m located on the corner of Jeepers Street and Creepers Lane and am selling them for 10 bucks a pop.

Oh, hold that thought, they’ve stopped chanting, oh you darn freaking pumpkins, I just wrote a terrific ad!

What? Who’s knocking at the door at this hour?

If any of you guys know what to do about night-chanting pumpkins or wish to buy some from me, please do, at the very least so I can get some shut eye.

I’m coming I’m coming, gosh darn kids and their lack of patience, having the nerve of knocking at my door at 12 in the Gosh-dang morning! Probably a noise complaint about the pumpkins or some other nonsense…

I better go, night y’all!

[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]


WANTED: One man/woman/UNDESIGNATED knowledgeable in the occult and skilled in curses, curse breaking, and curse sealing. More details below.

Within these past few instances, it has been discovered that DESIGNATED RELIC H-44S, or more casually designated as “SATAN’S WALKING STICK” is far more than our specialists can handle. This is due to the recent resignation of our occultist, and though we wish him luck in his promising new career in DESIGNATED REALM H, we’re in a real pickle without him. His seals and curse breaking have been the only thing keeping those abominations from wreaking havoc in our office. Why, just yesterday one of them dragged DESIGNATED OPERATIVE AN-2S-00L under the fridge, and we haven’t heard from him since. Suffice to say, these things are no joke.

As a fair warning, this will be a long, tedious job. Be prepared to strap in for the long haul. Further instruction will be provided on site. There will be a substantial monetary payment for completion of this task, and we may be prepared to offer you a full-time job once all is said and done.

If interested, please meet me at DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE R-.CB this Sunday. Come any time. I’ll be waiting.

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!