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September 2017

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!

Hardly Used | Ancient alien matter manipulation ray – only one (I know of)

yeah this thing is cool. you can point and shoot it at things to move them without actually doing any work.

would post pics but manipulated my phone into a potato. now I really do have a potato phone.

email at [EXPUNGED] if you want to pick this thing up and we can arrange payment. hurry before the government gets it. can’t hold them off forever.

minimum payments $3000, need cash or no deal.

Looking for expert bigfoot wrangler…

Hey so first off, there’s a lot of bigfoots out there and any bigfoot wrangler will just scoff and say “this is easy, easy money”. Well, my bigfoot is different.

If you want to deal with the 500 pound bigfoot in my garage, I want you over here. Not only is it covered in a thick, blade-proof hair all over, it also seems to be incredibly amorous and I hate it. I can’t even look into my garage without it giving me the eyes.

Seduce it, kill it, do whatever – I just want it out of my garage as fast as possible so I can use my home gym again. It’s imprinted on me so it howls and hollers when it hears my car come in the driveway.

In fact, it might be ideal to rehome it, it’ll probably miss me when you take it.

I don’t care. I want it out. My son brought it home as a baby and now he’s left for college, so I’m stuck with it.

My details are [EXPUNGED]. Please contact me.

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