**AUCTION EVENT IN UNIVERSE B126 – ONLY AVAILABLE IN THE NEXT 200 YEARS**

Hello Cthulst,

We at C͝͏͎̪̯͕͔̬͚̬͙̤͔̖̣͓̹̰̼̝’̷̶̀҉̳̯̖̫̜̜̺ḁ̴͕͍̪̬̀͞͡l̴̛͇̭̦̭͍̹͜͞͝ú҉̮͙̩̩͕̬̜̼̬̙̬̮͞ͅr҉̷̨̦̹̲̬͔̜́o̧̳͈̪͚̫̳̮͘͞͡͡ͅ ̧̛̛͕͈̗̖͙̖̯̞̤͟͠A̛̞̝̖̖̫͚̱̻̬̪̼̮͇͉̘u̵̘̭̥̣̱̹̫̼̩̲͢͝c͏̵̵͈̙̹̜̥t̨̰̫̲̮̭͉͍̗̬̠̼̱̪̜͘i̛̫͔̦͔̤͓̜͙̦̮̦̩͙̭o̵̧̹̗̼̙̗̙͉̱̪̬̠͈̬̹̤̟ͅͅn̸̠̩̻̘͙͘͟ͅs̷҉̨҉̝͈͉̘͔̹̫̹̜̲̥̳͚͉ͅ ̶̗̙̲̞̩̺͔̞͕̮̲͔̼̥̗́̕͢͝ͅG҉̧̱͕͙͎̖̹̲̞̘̮̗͉̳́͜r̢͞͞͡͏̯̦̺͉̜̪̟͕̬̝o̴̵̵̼̳̣̥̤͈̣̥̗̼͎̹͡u̪̣̹̗̦̪͚͖̹̩͓̰͡p̸̸̬͓̥̝ are holding a universe spanning selling event!

 

It will begin on Rotational Moon Cycle 32 to Rotational Moon Cycle 44.

There will be refreshments and drinks available for mortal humanoid beings and antimatter for cosmic voids who wish to partake in our dinner service.

We will also provide an interstellar raffle. Donations were given from businesses in these locations:

  • Alpha Star 234-AA
  • Onkuthea Prime
  • Crade 4EU
  • Zulnaenerth
  • Bagua 7DT

We will accept:

  • Ancient artifacts from the Baguan Cephlapod gods
  • Forbidden texts written in the Xohiri language
  • Tools for deciphering alien texts
  • Portals to parallel dimensions (NOTE: MUST BE IN MINT CONDITION)
  • Scrolls from the Forbidden Empire
  • Old and new space vessels
  • dwarf planets
  • And more!

Please contact auctioneer Ç̨̥͖̯̤͈̀͜͡h̵̙̗̣̼̦̜̹̝͖̜͕̀̀͘͞ư̶̡͓͈̗̙̥̰̮̗̼͈̜̼̞̞̖͎͝ņ̢͉̳̺̬̻̣̗̫̰͔͇̹̠̠ó̴̢̝͕̲̲̰̜̜̥̹̺̻͟p̜͚̩̗̰̩̞̖͉̯͍̠̬̟̼͎̟͔̝͘ȩ̷̗̳̱̞̳̟̪̺͔̙̬͎̕ ̷̸̟̙̤̙̼͙̟̪͓̼͇P̵̙̟̯͕̗͔͓͘͠͡ŕ̦̝͔͓̖͉͖͓̼̝í̛҉̸̥̤͔̺̘̭̼̯̘̺̫̥̰͎͈͕͢m͝҉̸͎͎̙̼̬̻͚͘͠ͅͅḛ̶͎̮̙̬̱̖̫̜̜̝͎̭ , who will be answering any inquiries from this ad.

Bird Demon Won’t Leave me Alone

This isn’t a damn joke. This happened a few weeks ago. I received an egg from the user (NAME DELETED), and they gave me what they SAID was a “genuine dragon egg.” Turns out it wasn’t a dragon egg and I didn’t realize it was a bird demon egg until it was too late. They look very similar, and in hindsight it was my fault that I didn’t check the Mystical Creature Database.

I tried reaching out to (NAME DELETED) and their contact information and number no longer exists. The bird pretty much grew into this red eyed, aggressive creature that can dismember a man with its sharp claws. There was no way  to reach out to the vendor, and now this fucking bird is terrorizing my house. It only sustains itself with the blood of its victims, it destroyed my kitchen, and killed my pet pheonix. (She resurrected after a week, but still.)

I need a demon hunter who can kill or exorcise the bird. I am willing to provide a vial of pheonix tears for payment. They’re pretty valuable for healing wounds and is a priceless alchemical ingredient.

EDIT: Name removed based on Mod request.

UPDATE: I still haven’t received any inquiries about this job. The situation is getting desperate. The demon bird ate a mailman and trashed my study. I’ll add some dragon scales to the offer just PLEASE kill this thing.

UPDATE 2: Apparently this creature is called a Stymphalian bird. I’ve managed to keep the thing at bay by shaking a rattle. For anyone willing to kill it, take heed: its feathers are sharp and shoot out like arrows. You’ll need something to make a big noise so please take that into consideration. I’m still holding out for offers.

MOD UPDATE: SHOG OTH HAS NO TOLERANCE FOR SCAMMERS AND FALSE ITEMS. THOSE WHO DARE VIOLATE THE RULES OF THIS SITE, TAKE HEED: WE WILL FIND YOU AND EXILE YOU TO OUR NIGHTMARE REALM. IF YOU ARE SCAMMED IN THIS WAY, PLEASE CONTACT:

  • Fraud Artifact Complaint Center Address: Third Parallel, Dimension 13-66, Universe 119. Number: 11.6.556 ext. 45688

Portal to THE VOID for sale (slightly used)

  • Gently used portal to the Void. Recently constructed by the Necro Society, used as a demon transport every solar eclipse.
  • Has only been used a few times for religious sacrifices, forbidden knowledge, and arcane rituals.
  • Kit is included as well as an instructional DVD that covers basic maintenance. The portal is a 20 feet deep well. All you need to do is fill it with water, have a blood sacrifice and you’re good to go.
  • I will accept credit cards, checks, or a human soul.

MINIMUM OFFER IS $2,500

***VAMPIRE HUNTER FOR HIRE, EXPERIENCE NEEDED****

I need a vampire hunter in order to eliminate an invasion currently proceeding in my small Eastern European village. This is a temporary position and I will pay for transportation, room and board.

REQUIREMENTS AND DETAILS:

  • At least 4-5 years experience.
  • Monster Hunter Certification with specialization in the undead.
  • YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING YOUR OWN KIT AND STAKES.
  • One month temporary position. Might be considered a permanent member of our vampire hunting crew if you perform well enough.
  • Pay is 6000 euros at the end of the month.
  • Alchemy and knowledge of necromancy spells is not a requirement but preferred.
  • MUST pass background check, the Zombie Infection Test, and cannot be under the influence of any dimensional death god.
  • We do not discriminate against vampires or any humanoid race. We will accommodate you if you have a supernatural affliction, curse, or inter-dimensional malady- we are an equal opportunity employer.

Please send us a resume and respond to this job entry. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.