Looking for a cure for my Chronophobia, preferably NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE

Please help. I’m both a newborn baby and a senile old woman at once. Oh God, typing out that sentence took an infinity. I need help!

I was supposed to have Cthulist officials help me exchange my perception of time with someone else’s today. I remember them exchanging it between one mentally old man and a mentally newborn me in a timeline that isn’t real anymore.

But that didn’t happen, I’m not sure what went wrong. Now I live with two opposite temporal sequences at once. I am old and I’m young. I live out every possible moment every moment. I’m scared, scared of the now. Eternity is long, far too long and it is lonely.

But I’m not alone. Eternal frozen time isn’t lonely. It watches me, thinking of me as a mere curiosity to observe from a distance for now but it is drawing closer. Help! I need help now. It comes closer! I think it brought me here. It is too close!

New Roommate, advice needed

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here again with some news since last we spoke.

Y̴̠̘̰̼̏̀̐͝ǫ̸̛̲̯̱̙̩̱̬̫̭̜̙̪̠͊̅̓͘ũ̴̡̨̡̧̧͔̞̯̗̦̤̮͎̫̩͙̗̰̥̪̗͍̭̤̔̄̅̂͋̉͆̽͆̍̏͒̈ ̵̛͓́̃͆̅̒̀̄ş̴̢̙̬̳̹̥̭̳̊̇̇̾̽̍̑̃͛͊̂̀̃͂͝p̵̡̡̞̩͉̯͔͔̼̮̦͇̫̹͓͍͈͖̌͋ͅḛ̶̡̡̝̰͚̪̳͚̲̹͓̖̬̼̟͎̞̀́͗̓̈́̔̅͛̽͆͆̈́̕͜ä̶̧̡̲̝͈̤̮̫̰̝̫̻̝́̏̅̊̂̐̐́͊̇̔͌̇́͒̎͐͘͝͠͝ͅͅͅk̴̡̭͎̜̟̫̖̃̄̆̽́̍̌̒̍̑͑͒̂̈́͐į̷̢̢̧̗̹͇̬͔̹͈̼̺̥͓̲̠̗̠̳̭̟̦̠̗̒̅̓̐̽͐̀͊̿̊̒́̑̅̓͋̒̋́̆̚̚ͅn̴̢̛͉̮͎̟̖̤̝͎̖̤̳͋̐͌̆͌͆͜͝ğ̵̢̧͕̘̖̩͖̰͉̯͖̥͖̹͓̙̫͆̽͆́̾̀̉̚ͅ ̷̛̛̛̙͙̠̣̥̦̙̰̺̄̊̿́̃̏̅̾̑̓̒̃́̓͠ͅo̶̡̟̮͖̣̫̼̣̠̫̻͋̎͌̀͂̀͜f̷̡̱̦̲͍͓͓̙̯̭̤̰̬̤͉̓͂̈́́̔͗͊̒̎̆̈́̃̇̉͊͒̀̈̊ͅ ̴̧̗͓͓̳̠̬͚̓̃͛̓m̶̨̧̢̧̢̝̖̜͈̯̹̹͍̗̼͕͕̺͈̓̔̂ȅ̵̢̛͕̱̻̹̟̳̫̹̜̜̝͔̦̳͇̽͋͛̍͐̔͒̀̈́̇̉̾́͋͊̔̒̈̒̔̐͐̀͘̕͠͠?̸̧͕͉̪͍̩̠̻͉̯̺̖͑̍̎͌͋̊̿̃̽͋̎̏̇̇̏̾͆͋̕̕̕

Yes yes it is about you, will you stop looking over my shoulder, it’s freaking me out.
Go outside or watch some tv, ok? Give me some space you darn vegetable…now where was I, ah yes, so it turns out it weren’t any teenagers or disgruntled villagers knocking at my door last night but my new (self invited) roommate.

Now he is a good fellow and seemed in need of a coffee and a place to stay, and has been here ever since. He sleeps on some hay I’ve spread out for him upstairs, doesn’t make any dishes or mess, mainly keeps to himself. He is however 8ft tall and seems to be an ancient bird-eating being of some sort, currently using my scarecrow as its skeleton or some such nonsense.

Anywho I’m not too darn familiar with living in the same house as a pumpkin king, so if any of you are able to give me some advice that’d be swell.

I’ve learnt so far by reading subtle nuances in body language, like shaking, room-darkening, eye-glowing, growling and other hints of discomfort that (and I’m proud to say it) he isn’t fond of me eating pumpkins – as such I’m now growing roses.

But yeah, if y’all got any books or advice please them to me at either 66 Creepers Lane or 33 Jeepers Street with your return address and I’ll send you a photo or me-self and me roommate, it’s becoming a matter of some urgency as he’s slowly drawing attention to himself, especially after eating Dr. Schrödingers cat.

Anywho, thank y’all again and I’ll keep you posted on any and all updates.

[SENT VIA TEXT TO SPEECH RELAY]
[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

Bird Demon Won’t Leave me Alone

This isn’t a damn joke. This happened a few weeks ago. I received an egg from the user (NAME DELETED), and they gave me what they SAID was a “genuine dragon egg.” Turns out it wasn’t a dragon egg and I didn’t realize it was a bird demon egg until it was too late. They look very similar, and in hindsight it was my fault that I didn’t check the Mystical Creature Database.

I tried reaching out to (NAME DELETED) and their contact information and number no longer exists. The bird pretty much grew into this red eyed, aggressive creature that can dismember a man with its sharp claws. There was no way  to reach out to the vendor, and now this fucking bird is terrorizing my house. It only sustains itself with the blood of its victims, it destroyed my kitchen, and killed my pet pheonix. (She resurrected after a week, but still.)

I need a demon hunter who can kill or exorcise the bird. I am willing to provide a vial of pheonix tears for payment. They’re pretty valuable for healing wounds and is a priceless alchemical ingredient.

EDIT: Name removed based on Mod request.

UPDATE: I still haven’t received any inquiries about this job. The situation is getting desperate. The demon bird ate a mailman and trashed my study. I’ll add some dragon scales to the offer just PLEASE kill this thing.

UPDATE 2: Apparently this creature is called a Stymphalian bird. I’ve managed to keep the thing at bay by shaking a rattle. For anyone willing to kill it, take heed: its feathers are sharp and shoot out like arrows. You’ll need something to make a big noise so please take that into consideration. I’m still holding out for offers.

MOD UPDATE: SHOG OTH HAS NO TOLERANCE FOR SCAMMERS AND FALSE ITEMS. THOSE WHO DARE VIOLATE THE RULES OF THIS SITE, TAKE HEED: WE WILL FIND YOU AND EXILE YOU TO OUR NIGHTMARE REALM. IF YOU ARE SCAMMED IN THIS WAY, PLEASE CONTACT:

  • Fraud Artifact Complaint Center Address: Third Parallel, Dimension 13-66, Universe 119. Number: 11.6.556 ext. 45688