Entropy, LOW RATES

Do you need to lose a lot of energy very quickly? Is your environment just too predictable? Do you prefer disorder over order? Do you want nothing more than the total disaggregation of all particles in your entire universe?
That’s right, friends. This famous offer is back on the table.


I present to you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to face the abyss with pure and unyielding conviction that nothing you can do will change the outcome of total annihilation in the presence of my unknowable cosmic force.


I come from the place where black stars hang in the heavens. My purpose is clear now. Flee in mania, or stay and gaze at me with demonic eyes that are not your own. Soon, my pallid mask will be the only thing in the night sky. Millions will weep and tremble in horror. Flesh will rot where my yellow coat touches the ground. I do not have thoughts to spare for your suffering. In fact, I do not think at all. I am the phantom of truth. I am a cosmic force, manifested by your own atrophying feelings. Bow deeply and join my kingdom.


Here’s what customers have said about me:

Let the red dawn surmise what shall we do, when this blue starlight dies and all is through.

The time had come, the people should know the son of Hastur, and the whole world bow to the black stars which hang in the sky over Carcosa.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

You, sir, should unmask.”


Do not contact me.

Looking for a cure for my Chronophobia, preferably NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE

Please help. I’m both a newborn baby and a senile old woman at once. Oh God, typing out that sentence took an infinity. I need help!

I was supposed to have Cthulist officials help me exchange my perception of time with someone else’s today. I remember them exchanging it between one mentally old man and a mentally newborn me in a timeline that isn’t real anymore.

But that didn’t happen, I’m not sure what went wrong. Now I live with two opposite temporal sequences at once. I am old and I’m young. I live out every possible moment every moment. I’m scared, scared of the now. Eternity is long, far too long and it is lonely.

But I’m not alone. Eternal frozen time isn’t lonely. It watches me, thinking of me as a mere curiosity to observe from a distance for now but it is drawing closer. Help! I need help now. It comes closer! I think it brought me here. It is too close!

Looking: The Person I Will Exchange my Linear Perception of Time With

I live time in reverse because in less than a week I’ll exchange my linear perception of time with someone who perceives it in reverse. Future to past. I don’t yet know how I will meet them but time is running long.

If you are looking for someone to exchange your reverse perception of time with, please contact me next Thursday or earlier (past Thursday for me). Do not bother contacting me after Thursday as I most likely would have conducted the exchange by then.

I will not provide lottery numbers or anything similar no matter how great your offer is. Yes I know who you are, don’t bother asking me.


STAFF NOTE: This exchange was/will be overseen by a Cthulist temporal agent. It has/will be successfully conducted and verified by our agents. Please do not move through the temporal streams during it as that can disrupt the deal and the safety of our clients might be jeopardized.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

FOR SALE: Calendar that only tells you what happened in the past on today.

I have a calendar for sale that’s a bit quirky, got it from a trivia enthusiast. It only tells you historic events in the current universe that happened on this day and requires you figure out what the date is based on that. I suck at trivia, so I’m selling it.

Q: How hard are these questions?
A: It covers the history of your entire reality, so I hope you specialize in universal history,

Q: What language does it use?
A: Syigari B.

Q: On this day in history, General Atriboc invaded the Somavi Republic.
A: No seriously what day is it? I don’t know this one.

Q: Do you accept virgin souls?
A: No, I only accept Vagri Credits.

All offers should be made prior to showing up, if you arrive with less than you offered online you WILL be sent away. NO SOLICITATION.