Monthly Archives: 

November 2021

Evil Lairs for Sale.

I get it. You’re an aspiring villain and you need somewhere to set up shop for your megalomaniacal intentions. I own a whole host of deserted islands, abandoned buildings and megacorporate office buildings.

Devious Realty is your agent to a better (or worse) tomorrow, one with YOU at the top of the food chain. I cater to villains from all walks of life, from mad scientists to witches, to reclusive stepmothers. All properties are No-Weak-Point guaranteed.

If you’re intent on destroying or ruling the world (or just a portion of it), contact me today and see our finest locations, including:

  • Aries Island – a dormant volcanic island with lush jungle cover and exquisite beaches. Comes with a small lodge built on it, as well as some prefab laboratory buildings. Expansion into the mountain possible and highly recommended. Volcanic cavern is warm and inviting, with enough space for a rocket. Plot your villainy in style true to the classics.
  • Doom Tower – 50 stories of steel and bulletproof glass, with a black exterior and rooftop helipad w/ AA gun mounts. Fill this space with your corporate slaves and engineer a darker tomorrow!
  • Eximir’s Grotto – a twisted and gnarled forest full of dark magic and intrigue. Network of tunnels beneath the trees begs for secret access points in the trees themselves. Watch for rodents of unusual size.

…and many more!

Devious Realty – we give the best, so you can be the worst.

Contact Hell-Agent McKinnon on [666].

tAlEnTeD LiNgUiSt & vOiCE CoAcH

I’M HaViNg a sErIoUs iSsUe aNd i dEsPeRaTeLy nEeD YoUr hElP

i’m tHiNk mY VoIcE AnD AlL My wRiTiNg cOmEs aCrOsS As mOcKiNg, WhIcH Is nOt wHaT I InTeNd tO Do bUt i cAn’t fIx iT.

I NeEd sOmEoNe tO HeLp mE, bEcAuSe eVeRy tImE I TaLk oR WrItE A CoMmEnT On tHe iNtErNeT, pEoPlE ThInK I’M An aSsHoLe.

i’m aCtUaLlY A ReAlLy nIcE PeRsOn iF YoU GeT To kNoW Me

I’M NoT EvEn tOxIc, TiNa yOu hOe

If yOu aRe a lInGuIsT, pRoFeSsIoNaL EdItOr, Or vOiCe cOaCh fOr mY WrItInG AnD SpEcIaLiSe iN UnDoInG CuRsEs tHeN PlEaSe cAlL Me

IdEaLlY YoU ArE NoT ToO MuCh oF A NeRd, lIkE ThE OnE ThAt cUrSeD Me

HaVe a nIcE DaY

FOR SALE: my hopes and dreams

henlo my naem is gregori, i am a 47 years old astrophycisit from the small town of lithunborgin, slovenia, many many years ago when small child i fall into puddle and puddle send me into the ring of saturn. i see space king there, name xorxo, he tell me i want your brain. i say no. he say you have spezcial brain, good hopes and dreams, many many money. i tell him no. he say fuck you. he punch me in nose. i wake up in lithunborgin clinic with broken nose, father tell me to take care next tiem in woods. i say ok papa. now 35 years later i am failed astrophysicict living still in lithinborgin after exile from europeen space agency four yrs ago. they tell me am crazy. they tell me no such thing as space king xorxo, they tell me fuck you. now hoping to seel my hopes and dreams to highest bidder as i hae nohing else to live for an ddesire mahy monies to achieve ,my hopes and derams.

thanks in advance

warm regards,
gregori NOVAK

Coffee Cup with a crack in it

I’m selling my prized coffee cup after it’s developed a crack in it. Now, ordinarily I’d just throw the thing away and order a replacement, but it’s not a regular crack.

I’ve glimpsed what lies beyond, and I can’t say I’m that fussed about it. If you’re an expert Lovecraftologist you’d be able to determine what kind of coffee-mug-sized abyssal horrors lie within the tear in reality, and maybe even extract a Bargain or two from them before the rift destabilizes and eliminates the neighborhood. I’ve dabbled in demon deals, but I’m no master by any sense of the word.

I’m fairly sure this came about because the cup itself is an anomaly, since it also turns any liquid you put into it into coffee. Really, really good coffee, made just how you like it. Yes, any liquid (except perhaps Universal Solvent).

My leading theory is that it’s pulling coffee from some kind of dimension where everything is coffee, and it’s always delicious. The development of the crack means I’m unsure if it still works – I’m rather hesitant to use it with the crack in it.

Oh, if you know how to repair reality tears instead, I’ll happily pay you for the trouble. It’s my favorite mug after all.

If you’re looking to buy it, I’ll pay barter with you – I have bag of galaxy marbles, mint condition.

No lowballs please, it’s a GOOD mug.

Call me on [REDACTED]

can someone PLEASE stop shrieking next door

this goes without saying but i’m getting f-ing SICK of the screeching and howling. are you a werewolf or a banshee or sthg?


i’m too scared to tell you in person because idk what kind of unholy abomination you are but DAMN please SHUT UP. if you know the lady in apartment 412 [REDACTED] and you’re really tough and unafraid of anything…go check it out for me?

holy sh-t wait wait

are you reading this right now?

screech once for yes, twice for no

how are you doing this? watching my screen?

alright i’m scared now, bye



[post submitted by THE SCREECH]

Impossible NFTs!!!! Here!! Now!!

be in a dark room

use a portable device on lowest brightness

view this exclusive NFT

shake your device around

let the image engulf you

you are now part of the blockchain

it surrounds you


this newly minted NFT, titled THE EGO OF ETERNITY could be yours for the low low price of your self-worth

claim it today before it claims you

thank you for letting me watch you through the image, that is all

Trapped in hallway—HELP!!!

I’m hoping this reaches someone because this is a cry for help and signals here come and go. So I’m trapped in this…endless hallway, I guess. It’s like a weird maze and every time I turn a corner, it just doesn’t end. There’s a stairway and when I go up, the door leads to another hallway. At this point, I gave up tracking the number of floors this hellhole has.

I don’t know how long I was trapped here…hours? Days? Weeks? This all started because I signed a lease to rent a unit in a nice brownstone apartment near [DELETED] neighborhood in [DELETED]. Vinny, the landlord, helped me move in and it was fine for a few days. After I left my room to go to the lobby, that’s when I saw the walls in front of me stretch like gum. I turned and saw my door was gone, so I kept walking. I couldn’t find my original unit, and there was no exit anywhere. I knocked on a few doors to get a neighbor to help me, but there was either no one answering or the unit was a dark void, like peering at complete nothingness. It’s weird, because I could smell the scent of cooking, or I would hear music and people talking from the ceiling. Sometimes I can also hear bumping and clattering. My phone doesn’t work but sometimes I could get wifi, which is how I wrote this post. For some reason, I only have access to interdimensional websites or phone numbers. Oftentimes, I’d hear heavy breathing, as if the building itself was alive. Water would sometimes drip down the walls, and there’s a weird metallic smell. Is it sentient? Dunno.

Vinny, if you get this message, I need you to get me out of here, man. Or at least give me a new set of keys. And I want my goddamn deposit back.’’

??Looking for a dynasty??

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Currently available:

de Wizian: A dukedom of 5 counties across New Madoria, Duke Wizian is seeking a soul to be placed in the womb of his barren wife, in order to avoid a succession crisis.
Polwas: Looking for 2 souls to inhabit the husk of the dying king Elric, must be able to fend off barbarian hordes.
Scottfeld: Corporate dynasty seeking dynastic investors, good returns on 12.4% share. Take charge over the board of directors. self-ACTUALISE YOURSELF.
et Hyjued: Description unavailable – apply directly with blood sacrifice addressed to [REMOVED]. NO B+ BLOOD.
…and many more!

See the rest on [REMOVED], and hurry, there are LIMITED TIME offers before the inevitable REVOLUTION will DESTROY them all!!


You have enemies. I have more. We have a shared problem: too many enemies.

Death is so brutal. Death is so easy. And finally: too abrupt.

You could change them. We could change all of them. My solution: turn them into sheep.

The woolly ones. The ones that bleat. Yes, observe: they are fully aware.

I can perform this. Perform it for you. My demand: 1 reincarnation credit.

They live carefree. They live knowing what they were. Error: cognitive dissonance.

Be rid of your enemies. Be rid of frustrations. Sheep: The solution of the future.

A warning to you. A warning for all: These sheep: not to be harmed.

Inextricably linked to Ariekel. Linked to god of sheep. Warning: Revenge may be served.

Contact me with a bleat. Bleat at midnight. Promise: I will appear.