[CHEAP] Rectified 5-Orthoplex Couch

Selling a rectified 5-orthoplex couch, exists in five dimensions. Inherited it from my aunt who got busted for selling metaphysical experiences in R2722. Fits three fifth dimensional beings, four fourth dimensional beings, and causes spontaneous annihilation in three dimensional beings.

Made of fine oxbeetle fur, prime quality. Slight damage on the second hyperplane from trying to fit it through a three dimensional doorway, but it’ll buff out. Recently had it cleaned.

This is not an orthopedic couch, do not complain if you buy it and find out it won’t massage your feet. I do NOT accept virgin souls, goat sacrifice, or the milk of a freshly born ewe.

I will only take antiquark quantities. You must provide the means of moving it to your reality.

[Relayed message from R2722 by UNTOLD]

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

For Sale: Fortune-Telling Auto-Typewriter. Fair Condition, Answers Only in Haiku

You can have it for 25 credits in any interdimensional currency, demonic favors preferred (will throw in a ream of paper). It’s fairly functional and accurate but as the ad says, it’ll only answer questions in haiku-form. Here are some questions I asked it, for instance:

Q: When and how will I die?
A: 2024–
knives flash and blood stains the ground
street covered in red

Q: How will the world end?
A: last man shuts his eyes-
the world no longer his own
now victors descend

Q: Is my wife cheating on me?
A: go check the dresser
cellphone rings in top drawer
death-knell of marriage

It’s a little vague sometimes, as you can tell, but still serviceable. Hmu, I’m willing to haggle.