[UPDATE] Mambos No. 1 to 4

Not a listing, but a strange update.

Lou Bega announced recently in an interview about the origin of Mambos number 1 to 4, which sound like complete tripe to me.


He came up with some excuse that it was representing the five continents, which is a big stretch to say the least, but a remarkable cover up.

Good work Lou Bega. By the way, I do still have them for sale. Nobody is brave enough to come and buy them, possibly at the risk of being captured by the secret service.

But what a truly masterful play. Insist it’s something harmless, but I know what you’re hiding, Lou. I know it all.


Mambos No. 1 to 4

They’re out there, and they exist. And I have them.

Everybody knows Mambo No. 5, people often wonder what the other four are about. Good news, Lou Bega was an inside man and they’re government state secrets.

Here’s the first, so you know I’m serious.

“A little bit of freedom in my life, a little bit of Watergate by my side
A little bit of Guantanamo is all I need, a little bit of torture is what I see
A little Sandinistas in the sun, a little bit of Gorbachev all night long
A little bit of pardons here I am, a little bit of u(ssr) makes me your man”

Now I know what you’re thinking, the fifth one was written in ’49, how can he apply 80’s politics? Here’s a quote from a critic:

“Mambo that catches the rhythm of the universe so soundly, it can predict the future.

Now you can understand why the fifth took such a big turn from state secrets and politics, to merely women. Paid off to not leak classified information all over the place.

I have them on vinyl, as well as transcripted lyrics. They’re a good listen, if the flow is ham-fisted to fit in single phrases.

Also, there’s a secret code you’ll need to decipher to unlock the encryption for the fourth vinyl. Clue: Whistleblower.

I’m trying to get rid of them to cover my tracks. Pay in Bitcthulu. I’ll also accept other classified info.

The United States of America

I recently acquired this country in a yard sale for $50, but it’s not functioning as expected so I’m hoping someone who knows how nations work can take it off my hands and fix it up.

The inhabitants are easily subdued, they’re only humans so they’re not too much of an issue.

There’s a few warning lights, nothing too major though. Check engine light with the codes for oxygen sensor, fuel pump and cam sensor. It misfires sometimes but you just have to restart it with a violent revolution and it’ll be fine for the rest of the day. I don’t have the money to get it repaired, so I’m offering it for $35 and I’ll throw in a guitar pick and a small packet of assorted lint (five different colours).

I have a separate offer for Australia, but that one I will throw in for an extra $5 since it’s mostly desert.

I don’t have a son, willing to sell

For clarification, there is something in my house calling me ‘father’, but I don’t have a son. The eyes are deep black with no white, anywhere — and he sounds like three people at once.

It took me three days upon his arrival to realise I don’t have a son, nor am I married to a broom.

If alien trafficking was illegal in my dimension I don’t know what I’d do — but fortunately for a lucky buyer, you can have your own son.

Be warned, he may ask after state secrets and classified information. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT.

Please hurry up, hell, I’ll accept offers as low as fifteen dollars. Just get him out of my house before he puts hot wax in my ears again while I sleep!

Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.