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April 2018

MISSED CONNECTIONS / [SEARCHING FOR FILTHY TRICKSTER HUMAN]

IT IS I XOZROLLOD OF THE ELEVENTH CYCLE.

IN THE SAFEHAVEN OF CAELION, YOU TRICKED ME OUT OF THE THAZGUD HERZSPHERE.

IT HAS TAKEN ME SEVEN MILLION HELL-YEARS, BUT FINALLY I HAVE FOUND YOU.

YOU, READING THIS POST NOW.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

PREPARE FOR RETRIBUTION.

YOUR BODY WILL BE RENDERED INTO FUEL FOR THE NEVER-STOPPING MACHINES OF HELL.

YOUR SOUL WILL BE SPLIT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES, SCATTERED OVER THE BILDLICHIAN CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

YOUR WORLD WILL BE NOTHING BUT PAIN AND REGRET.

RETURN THE HERZSPHERE NOW, AND YOUR SENTENCE MAY BE SHORTENED BY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS.

YOU HAVE UNTIL THE NEXT MOON.

Murder of Ravens

Looking to rehome murder of ravens. Used in the past for debt collection and harassing restaurants that don’t deliver on time. Three of the six hundred are well-capable of basic speech but can’t be expected to shut up. One enjoys dad-jokes.

Will trade for vintage Rolodex of demons-for-hire or a soul-weighing station. Don’t worry about them dying, they breed faster than you can eat them.

[Relayed submission from The Accountant]