Murder of Ravens

Looking to rehome murder of ravens. Used in the past for debt collection and harassing restaurants that don’t deliver on time. Three of the six hundred are well-capable of basic speech but can’t be expected to shut up. One enjoys dad-jokes.

Will trade for vintage Rolodex of demons-for-hire or a soul-weighing station. Don’t worry about them dying, they breed faster than you can eat them.

[Relayed submission from The Accountant]

Mambos No. 1 to 4

They’re out there, and they exist. And I have them.

Everybody knows Mambo No. 5, people often wonder what the other four are about. Good news, Lou Bega was an inside man and they’re government state secrets.

Here’s the first, so you know I’m serious.

“A little bit of freedom in my life, a little bit of Watergate by my side
A little bit of Guantanamo is all I need, a little bit of torture is what I see
A little Sandinistas in the sun, a little bit of Gorbachev all night long
A little bit of pardons here I am, a little bit of u(ssr) makes me your man”

Now I know what you’re thinking, the fifth one was written in ’49, how can he apply 80’s politics? Here’s a quote from a critic:

“Mambo that catches the rhythm of the universe so soundly, it can predict the future.

Now you can understand why the fifth took such a big turn from state secrets and politics, to merely women. Paid off to not leak classified information all over the place.

I have them on vinyl, as well as transcripted lyrics. They’re a good listen, if the flow is ham-fisted to fit in single phrases.

Also, there’s a secret code you’ll need to decipher to unlock the encryption for the fourth vinyl. Clue: Whistleblower.

I’m trying to get rid of them to cover my tracks. Pay in Bitcthulu. I’ll also accept other classified info.

FOR SALE: Calendar that only tells you what happened in the past on today.

I have a calendar for sale that’s a bit quirky, got it from a trivia enthusiast. It only tells you historic events in the current universe that happened on this day and requires you figure out what the date is based on that. I suck at trivia, so I’m selling it.

Q: How hard are these questions?
A: It covers the history of your entire reality, so I hope you specialize in universal history,

Q: What language does it use?
A: Syigari B.

Q: On this day in history, General Atriboc invaded the Somavi Republic.
A: No seriously what day is it? I don’t know this one.

Q: Do you accept virgin souls?
A: No, I only accept Vagri Credits.

All offers should be made prior to showing up, if you arrive with less than you offered online you WILL be sent away. NO SOLICITATION.

Chanting Pumpkins, Help Wanted

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here,

I most certainly hope this is the correct part of the interwebs to be posting this, but the darndest thing went on in my pumpkin patch last night.

At the stroke of midnight i was awoken by a strange chanting, so naturally I grabbed my shotgun, pulled on my overalls and trudged out to see what was going on, and would you believe it? smack-bang in the middle of my pumpkin patch all the pumpkins were carved all Halloween-like and swaying, chanting in unison. I know, crazy right?

I was perplexed and a lil Gosh-darn Pissed, it being the second of November after all, I mean these young pumpkins have no respect chanting now, where were they three days ago?

Anyways, I went to pick up one of the suckers and the bloody thing bit me! After all the time and effort spent growing it, it bloody bit me.

I went back inside and bandaged my hand, the little buggers still chanting their strange chant, like remember when vegetables were just vegetables and you didn’t have to deal with this chanting and biting nonsense?

I got almost no sleep, I swear the buggers chanted till the rosters yelled, when I went back out to check on them all the pumpkins were completely normal!

But now it’s 12am and they have suddenly decided to start chanting, so if any of you want some night-chanting pumpkins I’m located on the corner of Jeepers Street and Creepers Lane and am selling them for 10 bucks a pop.

Oh, hold that thought, they’ve stopped chanting, oh you darn freaking pumpkins, I just wrote a terrific ad!

What? Who’s knocking at the door at this hour?

If any of you guys know what to do about night-chanting pumpkins or wish to buy some from me, please do, at the very least so I can get some shut eye.

I’m coming I’m coming, gosh darn kids and their lack of patience, having the nerve of knocking at my door at 12 in the Gosh-dang morning! Probably a noise complaint about the pumpkins or some other nonsense…

I better go, night y’all!

[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

It’s us, your dads. We’re at the store.

To: All

I don’t know how many of you there are out there, how many people think we’ve left you – but we haven’t. We’ve been trapped at this store for what feels like millennia.

There are so many dads here, the line is infinite, eternal. I can’t remember how I got here apart from that I need to buy cigarettes.

None of us can see a way out, but a rare celestial phenomenon has enabled only myself to use mobile data to post this. There is only the store at the end of the road. Endless void lot by no stars surrounds us.

I am the 366th in line to the store now, but there are others behind and in front of me. Behind, it seems unending. I do not know what happens when someone reaches the store. Do they get to go? It may be centuries more before I can find out, as I can’t remember being in any other place on this line, even though I must have been to get here.

If you’re reading this, we are your dads, from everywhere around the globe, and we are undying.

You don’t need to do anything (Read: Help, we are suppressed) and this is just to tell you that we love you all (Read: They can’t read brackets) and not to worry about us. (Read: GET US OUT OF HERE)


Your Dads

[r4r] I saw you when our realities passed. Who were you?

It was for a few moments for me, but it felt like forever. Your eyes were full of stars, hair shimmering with ethereal quintessence. A beautiful creature that glanced at me and smiled.

Our bubbles moved away from each other, and then you were gone, taking your thirteen alternate realities with you and with it my thoughts.

I’d love to get in touch, to explore your universes’ history. Who were the great commanders, the poets, the musicians and the engineers?

If this was you, contact me on [RETRACTED]. For security, tell me the colour of stellar blush you wore.

Sincerely yours,
R8881, “Reality-Where-Groundhogs-Don’t-Exist-So-No-Movie-Starring-Bill-Murray-Exists-Either”

The United States of America

I recently acquired this country in a yard sale for $50, but it’s not functioning as expected so I’m hoping someone who knows how nations work can take it off my hands and fix it up.

The inhabitants are easily subdued, they’re only humans so they’re not too much of an issue.

There’s a few warning lights, nothing too major though. Check engine light with the codes for oxygen sensor, fuel pump and cam sensor. It misfires sometimes but you just have to restart it with a violent revolution and it’ll be fine for the rest of the day. I don’t have the money to get it repaired, so I’m offering it for $35 and I’ll throw in a guitar pick and a small packet of assorted lint (five different colours).

I have a separate offer for Australia, but that one I will throw in for an extra $5 since it’s mostly desert.

Pre-universe Matchbox car, mint condition

Limited edition Elder God Chariot from the Matchbox Eternal series, pre-universe. You may not ever find something else like it, since as far as I know, all the other pre-universe ones have been recalled by Matchbox for anomalous effects.

Statement from the company:

“We did not make these. They don’t even exist and they never have. If you are in possession of one, we will offer you a rebate of $500 for the safe return of the non-existent Eternal Series vehicles. For your own safety, do not look at it or attempt to seduce the Elder God figurine, as some of our customers felt compelled to do. It will literally eat your soul and you will die. Seriously, don’t do it.”

Obviously, this makes them exceedingly rare. I haven’t tried seducing it yet, but if you want to, contact me at [DESTROYED]

I will accept any transmutable currency as I get paid in Elderbux. For just $1.99 a month you can get your own subscription to Elderbux, a crypt-currency (not crypto, that’s different) that rewards you for getting paid.



For Sale: Fortune-Telling Auto-Typewriter. Fair Condition, Answers Only in Haiku

You can have it for 25 credits in any interdimensional currency, demonic favors preferred (will throw in a ream of paper). It’s fairly functional and accurate but as the ad says, it’ll only answer questions in haiku-form. Here are some questions I asked it, for instance:

Q: When and how will I die?
A: 2024–
knives flash and blood stains the ground
street covered in red

Q: How will the world end?
A: last man shuts his eyes-
the world no longer his own
now victors descend

Q: Is my wife cheating on me?
A: go check the dresser
cellphone rings in top drawer
death-knell of marriage

It’s a little vague sometimes, as you can tell, but still serviceable. Hmu, I’m willing to haggle.

Minor god selling post-apocalyptic planet

Dominant race broke my world, that’s the long and short of it.

I’ve lost my deposit on it and insurance won’t cover me so my only option is to sell it for as much as I can get, you get what you see with this one.

I’m not even sure how they did it, I think they just nuked each other, only took a few hours and that’s my whole planet roasted.

If you’re looking to start a cockroach civilisation, that’s what I’d recommend to you. I’d do it myself but this whole thing has made me terribly depressed and I’m gonna take a breather from worldbuilding for a while and do a gap year.

There’s at least five places that escaped total annihilation, I’d recommend starting there if you’re looking to engineer a new race. Or you can bulldoze the plot and start again, I don’t care as long as I can recoup at least some of the cost.

I’m asking for half my soul expenditure, 2.2 billion Premium souls (animals were all on Free souls). I doubled up on some of them after a few centuries but I don’t think anyone noticed.

Please contact me ASAP on [ABDUCTED] or email at [REPEALED]

I don’t have a son, willing to sell

For clarification, there is something in my house calling me ‘father’, but I don’t have a son. The eyes are deep black with no white, anywhere — and he sounds like three people at once.

It took me three days upon his arrival to realise I don’t have a son, nor am I married to a broom.

If alien trafficking was illegal in my dimension I don’t know what I’d do — but fortunately for a lucky buyer, you can have your own son.

Be warned, he may ask after state secrets and classified information. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT.

Please hurry up, hell, I’ll accept offers as low as fifteen dollars. Just get him out of my house before he puts hot wax in my ears again while I sleep!

Trampoline that only double bounces

I’m selling a trampoline that only double bounces. You heard me right.

It also works if you’re the only person on it, you’ll just bounce really high and awkwardly each time, maybe fall off and break a leg. If there’s two people on it, you’ll both do it, with a much higher chance of falling off and breaking your legs.

Obviously with the military applications of such a device I can’t say where I got it and I can’t accept money.

The price is 12 virgin souls. If you’re interested and can prove you’re not an undercover/deep-cover military agent/psuedo-agent/alien spy, I will give you the trampoline.

If you can pay another 12 virgin souls, I’ll tell you my source.


Needed: Alchemical Laboratory

I’ve been wanting to start a lab for a while, but I just don’t have anything near me to start.

I’m looking for someone with a simple alchemy lab. I only need the glassware, the ingredients I have.

I can pay you with the gold I make with it, don’t worry about that.

Greco-Roman Glassware only, and none of the cheap Byzobaltic imitation stuff. I need at the very, very least an alembic, ductwork and a crucible.

Funny story, last one I bought blew up because it was Byzobaltic. Glass in my eye. Right in there. So I took the sellers eye and transmuted it to a lump of coal.

I’m oversharing, uh.

Call me, [removed]. Quick, they’re onto me.

Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.


WANTED: One man/woman/UNDESIGNATED knowledgeable in the occult and skilled in curses, curse breaking, and curse sealing. More details below.

Within these past few instances, it has been discovered that DESIGNATED RELIC H-44S, or more casually designated as “SATAN’S WALKING STICK” is far more than our specialists can handle. This is due to the recent resignation of our occultist, and though we wish him luck in his promising new career in DESIGNATED REALM H, we’re in a real pickle without him. His seals and curse breaking have been the only thing keeping those abominations from wreaking havoc in our office. Why, just yesterday one of them dragged DESIGNATED OPERATIVE AN-2S-00L under the fridge, and we haven’t heard from him since. Suffice to say, these things are no joke.

As a fair warning, this will be a long, tedious job. Be prepared to strap in for the long haul. Further instruction will be provided on site. There will be a substantial monetary payment for completion of this task, and we may be prepared to offer you a full-time job once all is said and done.

If interested, please meet me at DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE R-.CB this Sunday. Come any time. I’ll be waiting.

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!

Hardly Used | Ancient alien matter manipulation ray – only one (I know of)

yeah this thing is cool. you can point and shoot it at things to move them without actually doing any work.

would post pics but manipulated my phone into a potato. now I really do have a potato phone.

email at [EXPUNGED] if you want to pick this thing up and we can arrange payment. hurry before the government gets it. can’t hold them off forever.

minimum payments $3000, need cash or no deal.

Looking for expert bigfoot wrangler…

Hey so first off, there’s a lot of bigfoots out there and any bigfoot wrangler will just scoff and say “this is easy, easy money”. Well, my bigfoot is different.

If you want to deal with the 500 pound bigfoot in my garage, I want you over here. Not only is it covered in a thick, blade-proof hair all over, it also seems to be incredibly amorous and I hate it. I can’t even look into my garage without it giving me the eyes.

Seduce it, kill it, do whatever – I just want it out of my garage as fast as possible so I can use my home gym again. It’s imprinted on me so it howls and hollers when it hears my car come in the driveway.

In fact, it might be ideal to rehome it, it’ll probably miss me when you take it.

I don’t care. I want it out. My son brought it home as a baby and now he’s left for college, so I’m stuck with it.

My details are [EXPUNGED]. Please contact me.

5 responses, 1 accepted