Quantum programmer needed – dimension leak on huge website!

Don’t let this leak, or my boss will fire me, okay?

I’m the IT technician for the worldwide Earth-4536 publication, The Onion. Our company has been giving the news more accurately and quickly than any other news site in our dimension, but recently we’ve found the servers have leaked and become available in the Earth-2899 Internet. Reality is rather different there, and not only are they seeing our dimension’s news, they are commenting and passing it off as ‘satire’ or ‘fake’, which is greatly damaging and confusing our reputation.

Nonetheless, they never trained in interdimensional programming, but they’re expecting me to fix it anyway, so I need a quantum programmer to fix the leak. Email me at i̴̜̖̙͈rẃ̼̫͇͉͍i̷n͎̳͝s̴̟̗̤@͓̯t̙h̜̝͇͝ẹ̸̩̩̲̘̣̣o̮͕n͎͍̪̬̟̥͢ [EMAIL CORRUPTED – COULD NOT DISPLAY IN THIS DIMENSION]

It’s us, your dads. We’re at the store.

To: All

I don’t know how many of you there are out there, how many people think we’ve left you – but we haven’t. We’ve been trapped at this store for what feels like millennia.

There are so many dads here, the line is infinite, eternal. I can’t remember how I got here apart from that I need to buy cigarettes.

None of us can see a way out, but a rare celestial phenomenon has enabled only myself to use mobile data to post this. There is only the store at the end of the road. Endless void lot by no stars surrounds us.

I am the 366th in line to the store now, but there are others behind and in front of me. Behind, it seems unending. I do not know what happens when someone reaches the store. Do they get to go? It may be centuries more before I can find out, as I can’t remember being in any other place on this line, even though I must have been to get here.

If you’re reading this, we are your dads, from everywhere around the globe, and we are undying.

You don’t need to do anything (Read: Help, we are suppressed) and this is just to tell you that we love you all (Read: They can’t read brackets) and not to worry about us. (Read: GET US OUT OF HERE)


Your Dads

[r4r] I saw you when our realities passed. Who were you?

It was for a few moments for me, but it felt like forever. Your eyes were full of stars, hair shimmering with ethereal quintessence. A beautiful creature that glanced at me and smiled.

Our bubbles moved away from each other, and then you were gone, taking your thirteen alternate realities with you and with it my thoughts.

I’d love to get in touch, to explore your universes’ history. Who were the great commanders, the poets, the musicians and the engineers?

If this was you, contact me on [RETRACTED]. For security, tell me the colour of stellar blush you wore.

Sincerely yours,
R8881, “Reality-Where-Groundhogs-Don’t-Exist-So-No-Movie-Starring-Bill-Murray-Exists-Either”