I don’t have a son, willing to sell

For clarification, there is something in my house calling me ‘father’, but I don’t have a son. The eyes are deep black with no white, anywhere — and he sounds like three people at once.

It took me three days upon his arrival to realise I don’t have a son, nor am I married to a broom.

If alien trafficking was illegal in my dimension I don’t know what I’d do — but fortunately for a lucky buyer, you can have your own son.

Be warned, he may ask after state secrets and classified information. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT.

Please hurry up, hell, I’ll accept offers as low as fifteen dollars. Just get him out of my house before he puts hot wax in my ears again while I sleep!

Trampoline that only double bounces

I’m selling a trampoline that only double bounces. You heard me right.

It also works if you’re the only person on it, you’ll just bounce really high and awkwardly each time, maybe fall off and break a leg. If there’s two people on it, you’ll both do it, with a much higher chance of falling off and breaking your legs.

Obviously with the military applications of such a device I can’t say where I got it and I can’t accept money.

The price is 12 virgin souls. If you’re interested and can prove you’re not an undercover/deep-cover military agent/psuedo-agent/alien spy, I will give you the trampoline.

If you can pay another 12 virgin souls, I’ll tell you my source.

My contact number is [EXPUNGED]. Call me ONLY if you’re interested. NO REFUNDS, SOULS CONSUMED IMMEDIATELY ON PAYMENT. NO QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I USE THE SOULS FOR.

Needed: Alchemical Laboratory

I’ve been wanting to start a lab for a while, but I just don’t have anything near me to start.

I’m looking for someone with a simple alchemy lab. I only need the glassware, the ingredients I have.

I can pay you with the gold I make with it, don’t worry about that.

Greco-Roman Glassware only, and none of the cheap Byzobaltic imitation stuff. I need at the very, very least an alembic, ductwork and a crucible.

Funny story, last one I bought blew up because it was Byzobaltic. Glass in my eye. Right in there. So I took the sellers eye and transmuted it to a lump of coal.

I’m oversharing, uh.

Call me, [removed]. Quick, they’re onto me.

I had you exorcised, but I regret it – w4d

I had hired a priest to remove a demon from my house, as they were moving my vases around and being incredibly loud in the night. But as you left, I saw your transparent face, your gaping toothless maw and sad eyes, and knew I’d made the wrong decision. I had the priest killed in a ritual to summon you back, but had read the scripture wrong and summoned a citrus instead.

If they have internet from whence you came, I hope you can read this and come back to my home – after all, I feel that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Phone me at [REDACTED]. To prove it’s you, tell me the colour of the table you so loved to levitate.

Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.

SEARCHING FOR OCCULTIST/CURSE BREAKER

WANTED: One man/woman/UNDESIGNATED knowledgeable in the occult and skilled in curses, curse breaking, and curse sealing. More details below.

Within these past few instances, it has been discovered that DESIGNATED RELIC H-44S, or more casually designated as “SATAN’S WALKING STICK” is far more than our specialists can handle. This is due to the recent resignation of our occultist, and though we wish him luck in his promising new career in DESIGNATED REALM H, we’re in a real pickle without him. His seals and curse breaking have been the only thing keeping those abominations from wreaking havoc in our office. Why, just yesterday one of them dragged DESIGNATED OPERATIVE AN-2S-00L under the fridge, and we haven’t heard from him since. Suffice to say, these things are no joke.

As a fair warning, this will be a long, tedious job. Be prepared to strap in for the long haul. Further instruction will be provided on site. There will be a substantial monetary payment for completion of this task, and we may be prepared to offer you a full-time job once all is said and done.

If interested, please meet me at DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE R-.CB this Sunday. Come any time. I’ll be waiting.

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!

Hardly Used | Ancient alien matter manipulation ray – only one (I know of)

yeah this thing is cool. you can point and shoot it at things to move them without actually doing any work.

would post pics but manipulated my phone into a potato. now I really do have a potato phone.

email at [EXPUNGED] if you want to pick this thing up and we can arrange payment. hurry before the government gets it. can’t hold them off forever.

minimum payments $3000, need cash or no deal.

Looking for expert bigfoot wrangler…

Hey so first off, there’s a lot of bigfoots out there and any bigfoot wrangler will just scoff and say “this is easy, easy money”. Well, my bigfoot is different.

If you want to deal with the 500 pound bigfoot in my garage, I want you over here. Not only is it covered in a thick, blade-proof hair all over, it also seems to be incredibly amorous and I hate it. I can’t even look into my garage without it giving me the eyes.

Seduce it, kill it, do whatever – I just want it out of my garage as fast as possible so I can use my home gym again. It’s imprinted on me so it howls and hollers when it hears my car come in the driveway.

In fact, it might be ideal to rehome it, it’ll probably miss me when you take it.

I don’t care. I want it out. My son brought it home as a baby and now he’s left for college, so I’m stuck with it.

My details are [EXPUNGED]. Please contact me.

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